


Don't Get Attached

by chailattemental



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Not Between Even and Isak, Dubious Consent Due to Miscommunication, Dubious Morality, Elements of Violent Behaviors Between Boys, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Manipulation, Enemies to Lovers, Even Bech Næsheim is Extra, Even Thinks Isak is Dating Someone, Isak Thinks Even is Dating Someone, Like Shoving and Punching, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Non-Consensual Touching, Out of Character, Past Infidelity Not Between Even and Isak, Referenced Threat of Violence, Slut Shaming, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, non-con elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailattemental/pseuds/chailattemental
Summary: Even couldn’t deny that a certain pair of green eyes had caught his attention, but when Chris bragged about his ‘encounter’ with Isak, Even didn't know what he wanted from the curly haired blond. Maybe if he took a moment to just think things through, he wouldn’t have made such a mess out of everything.Isak accepted that the only thing boys wanted from him was his body. So when Even acted like he liked him one moment and hated him the next, Isak was certain that he was just like all the others.
Relationships: Christoffer Schistad/Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Past Even Bech Næsheim/Sonja (SKAM)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 82





	1. Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work features some heavy interactions between Isak and Even, so please head the tags! Also, none of this edited and while I think I'm pretty fluent in English, I struggle with expressions and grammar sometimes.
> 
> While the darker tone of this fic is an attempt to depict the not so healthy ways of thinking and coping that people sometimes have, it's not meant to be an accurate or thorough depiction of real life and consequences. It's just a dramatized fictional read.

Even shuffled out of the nest of blankets he cocooned himself in for the past however many days. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand to check the time, groaning as he saw the notifications on the screen. Sonja had texted him multiple times asking him if he was okay. So had Mikael. The difference was that Mikael didn’t ask him if he had taken his medications.

Even knew Sonja was just concerned about him, but it made him feel caged in. Lately, it seemed like everything about his relationship with Sonja was making him feel claustrophobic.

‘Im fine. Took my meds. Just been tired.’

He sighed and put his phone on silent. He would deal with it later, he told himself. For now, he dragged the covers over his eyes and let the dark overtake him again.

When he finally roused, his mouth tasted like chalk and his bones ached from the cold. He dragged himself to the shower and let the hot water wash over him like a comforting hold. It singed every nerve in his body, reminding him of the body he had been neglecting. His stomach growled and legs were weak. He knew this routine well. In an hour, he would be back to his good old self. As long as he finally got some food inside him.

Light streamed through the window of the apartment. That was good at least. He hated it when he came out of one of his mini episodes while it was dark outside. That left him with nothing to do but sit in his room and watch movies, or if he was really feeling antsy, take a walk in the dark of night. That wasn’t the best idea. A lot of shady things happened at night.

He checked his phone again. It was a Monday and that meant school. He had spent the past four days at home. He was glad that at least two of those days fell on the weekend. He’d been etching closer and closer to the maximum percentage of days he could miss. Transferring to Nissen was supposed to be a new start and he didn’t want to fuck it up by getting kicked out for missing school.

He scrolled down to the messages.

Sonja: Okay. Just let me know how you’re feeling, alright?

He bristled. She was just concerned, he kept telling himself. He dried his hair the best he could before throwing on a somewhat clean pair of pants and a sweater. And over that he threw on a hoodie. He shook his arms and legs to wake up his body.

\---

In the tram, he started to feel like himself again. The depression ebbed out of him like a slow moving stream, but at least he no longer felt frozen because of it. He felt a bit warmer than before. To help the process along, he put on his headphones, put on a Nas song, and let the rhythm lull him back into life.

Just as he was about to get off, he caught someone looking at him in the corner of his eyes. When Even looked back, the boy averted his gaze and a blush spread through his ruddy cheeks. He looked like a kid caught with his hand down a cookie jar. Even knew the boy. Isak something… He saw him in passing in the corridors of Nissen, always with a group of boys. His blond curls looked like they would be soft to the touch, and once when Even had walked into him while not paying attention, he had gotten a glimpse of the boy’s doe-like green eyes. Not that Even paid the boy much attention. He was in the year below Even, and Even didn’t make it a habit to socialize with the other students at Nissen. He had his old friends. They were enough.

He texted Sonja.

‘Im good. At school now. See u soon?”

School was… nothing special, he admitted. Even kept his head down for most of his classes until he got to art, where he could just do his own thing. Sometimes when his eyes wandered, he would catch a glimpse of blond curls.

Mikael: Dude you coming friday?

Elias: COME!

Elias: DON’T BE A BOOB

‘What does that even mean?”

Yousef: Ur an idiot, Elias.

Yousef: But u heard the man, Even.

‘I’ll be there’

He had too much energy to sleep or to do his schoolwork, so he spent the rest of the day drawing. He started sketching random parts of bodies, hands, anonymous torsos. But the more he drew, the more the assortment of parts came together into a whole. Until he was left with bright eyes, an upturned nose, and a shy smile starting at him back from the sketch pad.

\---

“I’m telling you man, she was hot! She was really thirsty that night!”

“You’re gross, Elias,” Mikael said.

“Hey hey! What do you know about girls, gay boy” Elias retorted. He held his hands out in surrender when Mikael threw an empty can of beer at him. “Just kidding beautiful!” Elias threw his arm around Mikael. “But seriously though, have you gotten any ass lately? You’re so uptight.” Elias passed Mikael a joint.

Mikael took a swig. “Nah. I’m tired of guys who fuck me but won’t acknowledge me the next day at school. Half the boys at school can’t make eye contact with me now. And they hug their girlfriends a little more tightly anytime I’m around, like they have something to prove.”

“Shittttt” Elias laughed. “My man!”

Sonja scoffed. “Doesn’t it bother you that you’re fucking with guys that already have girlfriends?” Sonja added. Even rolled his eyes, grateful she wasn’t looking at him.

Mikael raised his eyebrows. He looked uncomfortable, but also angry. “I’m not the one stepping out.”

“But don’t you care about their girlfriends’ feelings at all?” Sonja continued. “It just seems inconsiderate. Can’t you just stick to gay guys?”

“What gay guys?” Mikael snorted. “I don’t know what world you live in, but there aren’t that many gay guys in Bakka.” Mikael passed the joint back to Elias. Just as Even was about to take intercept and take it, Sonja grabbed it instead. Even rolled his eyes again.

“Can’t you download Grindr or something?”

“I already did. And most of the guys our age on Grindr also have girlfriends.”

“It’s just immoral to sleep with taken guys,” she drolled on. Even mouthed an ‘oh my god’ before rubbing his face.

“Drop it, Sonja.” Even finally said. She turned to look at him, her brows scrunched up in offense. “What? I’m just saying. It’s not like I’m wrong here.” She handed the joint back to Elias, who looked like he was caught between two fighting parents.

“Yeah, but you’re making him feel bad, alright?” Even said, trying to plead with her. But when Sonja was in one of her righteous moods, it was mostly a lost cause to try and reason with her.

Sonja huffed. “I still think it’s wrong,” she said, before getting up and walking away.

“That was fucking tense,” Elias said. “Seriously man, what crawled up her ass?”

Even didn’t feel much like defending Sonja right now. Instead, he looked at Mikael. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Mikael muttered. “Thanks for defending me.” He nudged Even with his knee.

“Come here,” Even said. Mikael moved over to the seat Sonja just left and Even threw his arms around his shoulders.

Mikael leaned into the touch and sighed. “She’s right though. I do feel bad.”

“Why don’t you start dating guys at Nissen?” Even asked. “You can come hang out with me there during lunch sometimes. And we could go to parties together.”

“Do you even know anyone there?” Mikael laughed.

Even shook him a little. “Pssh. Of course I know people there.” Even scanned the crowd. “There’s one now. Hey! Chris! Come here.”

A tall, dark haired boy walked over to them. Mikael’s interest seemed to pique. Even whispered into his ears, “Don’t get too excited. He has a girl. Or several actually.”

“What’s up?” Chris said as he took a seat next to Elias.

“Guys, this is Chris,” Even introduced. “He’s the coolest dude at Nissen. After me, of course.” Chris laughed. “So Chris, my friend Mikael here has a problem.”

Chris raised his eyebrow, a smirk on his lips. “Does he?”

Mikael groaned. “Even, shut up.”

“Yeah. He has exhausted the pool of eligible partners at Bakka. I was hoping you knew some at Nissen?”

Mikael tried to bury his face in Even’s shoulder. “Jesus, you’re making me sound like a slut.”

Chris let out another laugh. “Hey dude, no judgement. I might know some people. What’s your type? Blond, brunette, tits or ass?”

Elias jumped in. “More like dick.” That earned him another beer can thrown at his face. 

“Hmm,” Chris said appraisingly. “There’s only one gay guy at Nissen. Isak Valtersen.”

“What’s he like?” Even asked, trying to feign disinterest in his voice.

“Blond, slim. Nice hair. Real pretty face, prettier than most girls.” Even didn’t disagree with the last assessment.

“And let me guess,” Mikael said, “he has a wonderful boyfriend who loves him and they’re going to get married and have cute little babies.”

Chris smirked. “Actually, he’s not the boyfriend type. He has a bit of, uh, I don’t know how to say this tactfully, he has a reputation.”

“What kind of reputation?” Even asked.

“He sleeps around a lot. I don’t think he gets serious with anyone. So he’s great if you want something simple, as long as you don’t get too attached.”

Mikael sighed. “I’m tired of hook-ups. I just want a cuddle buddy.”

“You have me,” Even said, pulling Mikael back down against his chest. Mikael swatted at his hand.

“No offense, Even, but if I tried cuddling with you on the regular, your girlfriend would slit my throat. It doesn’t even matter that I have no desire to fuck you.”

“I’m hurt,” Even joked. “So,” he said, swallowing a little bit. “Does this Isak guy have a type?” Mikael turned to face Even, looking at him curiously. Even pushed his head back into his shoulder just to get him to look away.

Chris wiggled his eyebrows. “Uh,” he started, “let’s just say, he’s not picky,” before smirking knowingly at Even. Even nodded, ignoring the implication.

“Mannnn,” Elias huffed. “You gay guys have all the fun. Sometimes I wonder if I should turn gay just to get laid.”

Mikael kicked Elias on the shin. “You can’t turn gay on and off like it’s a switch. Even if you can, we wouldn’t let you in the club. You have to be at least a seven-out-of-ten. Elias, you’re more like a four.”

“Burned,” Chris chuckled. “And I’m not gay. I’m just open to beauty,” he said, winking at Mikael. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he said quietly before getting up.

A moment later, Mikael slipped out of Even’s hold. “I think it’s time for me to make another bad decision,” he said, before disappearing after Chris.

Elias scoffed. “Gay guys,” he said, before shaking his head and passing Even the joint. Even took a deep puff and closed his eyes, letting his mind drift to pretty green eyes.

\---

“What the fuck, Even?” Sonja said, her face contorted in exasperation. She wasn’t the only one exasperated. “He was all over you. Doesn’t he have any shame?”

“Jesus Christ, Sonja.” He was glad they were alone in the kitchen right now. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in front of other people. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have at all.

“He knows what happened last time. It’s like he’s encouraging you.”

“Don’t,” Even warned. “You can’t hold that against him. I kissed him because I was manic.”

“What if it happens again? It’s like he’s taking advantage of you.”

“He’s my best friend!” Even said exasperatedly. “We’re close. We’ve always been.”

“And I’m your girlfriend,” she replied, looking at him like her words made all the sense in the world.

“So?”

“So I don’t want someone like him all over my boyfriend, all right? Especially after you kissed him before.”

“Look,” Even sighed. “You already know how sorry I am for that. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I don’t actually like him that way. I was confused, alright. And he rejected me.”

“What would have happened if he didn’t reject you?” Sonja retorted. “What if he decided that he wants you the way he wants all the other straight boys?” Even laughed, his voice tinged with bitterness. Sonja was still under the impression that he was straight. Because his sexual awakening happened during a manic episode, that somehow made Sonja dismiss the not so straight parts of Even.

“It wouldn’t change anything. Like I said, I don’t like him that way.” Even couldn’t keep drilling this point to Sonja. When his mania cleared, he knew he fucked up. Mikael was a physically affectionate person, and he expressed his love easily. Even had been in a bad place and he had convinced himself that he had been in love with Mikael because of it.

“Even if you don’t like him that way, don’t you see that it still bothers me when he’s touchy with you? And you just let him! Why is that so hard for you to understand? Don’t you even care about how I feel?”

Even knew he wasn’t the most attentive boyfriend in the world. But something about her words, her accusation, made him feel like he was incapable of caring about others. And maybe she was right.

“Maybe I don’t care,” he admitted, the words spilling out of him like a release.

“What?” she said, a look of hurt flashing across her face. “How could you say that? Have you… have you been smoking?”

“Jesus, Sonja” he said, rubbing at his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to do this tonight. Or any night.

“Answer me, Even!” she yelled.

“Fine! I did smoke,” he admitted. “So what?”

“You know smoking isn’t good for you,” she said, her voice appeasing like she was talking to a petulant child. He resented it. He resented her.

“And what about you, huh? Just because it doesn’t set you off doesn’t mean smoking’s good for you either. Neither is worrying about me.”

“So I’m not supposed to care about you?” she responded, her tone shifting to something sharper.

“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t talk about my friends like that. Mikael’s not your enemy.”

“Well excuse me, I tried being friends with him. But he hasn’t been anything but cold to me,” she replied, exhaling out heavily like she had been struck.

“Can you blame him? I know you were hurt when I kissed him. But it’s been weird between you two since before that. But what’s your problem with him? That he’s gay?”

“I’m not a homophobe, Even. How can you even accuse me of that?”

“Then what is it?” Even yelled in exasperation, raising his hands and shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t trust him. He acts like I’m stealing you away when it’s me who is your girlfriend. And he’s the one who has a history of stealing other people’s boyfriends.”

Even ran his hand through his hair and looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe it. You don’t trust me.”

“I never said that, Even. Don’t put words into my mouth,” she replied sternly.

“This isn’t about Mikael. Or the fact that you don’t get along with my friends. It’s because you can’t trust me enough to not be a fuck up. What do you think is going to happen when I smoke? I’ll go off my rails and fuck someone else?”

Sonja put her hands on her waist. “Don’t be ridiculous, Even.”

“Are you really that insecure?”

“Wow,” Sonja replied, shaking her head. “Sometimes I don’t hear from you for days. Most of the time you don’t tell me about anything in your life. You don’t tell me about your new school. You don’t tell me about the parties at your place I’m not invited to. Am I not allowed to be concerned? We’ve been together for five years, Even, but it seems like I’m the only one invested in this relationship.”

“Then you should know me well enough to know I wouldn’t intentionally cheat on you. I know I can’t always control what I do when I’m manic, but I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. And I don’t invite you to the parties because I don’t want to have to be the referee between you and Mikael all the time. I just need a freaking break sometimes.”

Sonja laughed without any mirth. “Is that supposed to reassure me? It’s like you go out of your way to make Mikael feel comfortable and ignore me. It hurts me when you tell him things like you used to tell me. It’s like you’re pulling away from me and seeking out other people for comfort.”

“You know, you have a point. I am seeking out comfort from other people. Maybe that’s because they don’t judge me for being me.”

“That’s not fair to me and you know it,” Sonja said, her voice betraying the hurt she felt. “I have never judged you for being bipolar.”

She might have not judged him, but that didn’t mean she accepted him either. She always saw his illness as something to be overcome. She wanted Even to fit into her life in predictable and neat ways, and for a time, he really believed he could be that for her. For a time, Sonja made him feel like he could be normal. But after what happened with Mikael, she had been even more controlling than before. He knew she did it out of hurt, but he didn’t think he had it in him to pretend to be okay for her anymore, or even to pretend to himself. He would inevitably fuck up again. He might not leave her because of someone else, but he would keep leaving Sonja anyway because deep down, he knew she wasn’t someone Even would stay for. 

“Look,” he exhaled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” he apologized. “You’re right. You’re just concerned about me.”

She inched closer to him, her hands on his shoulders. She looked placated. “It’s alright, Even.” She made a move to kiss him. They always did this. They would fight and make up. But today, he didn’t want that. He knew he was an awful person for doing this.

“I know you’re concerned about me,” he repeated, pushing her away, “but I can’t… I can’t worry about disappointing you right now,” he sighed. “Maybe it’s better if we take a break, just for a little while. I just need some space for myself.”

Her hands slipped back to her sides before she crossed them, shrinking a little into herself. Even felt wracked with guilt for making her feel like that.

“Fine, Even. Take the time you need. I just can’t promise that I’ll be ready for you when you want me to be. I might need my own time too.”

Even felt his heart clench. This wasn’t the first time they had taken a break from each other, not by a long shot, but Sonja had never told him that she needed space too. An insecure part of Even wanted to backtrack, to take it all back, to kiss her and fuck her and pretend like everything was normal. But there was a more vocal part of him that wanted him to break away and breathe freely for the first time in a long while. He didn’t trust himself to say the right thing, so all he did was nod. Sonja returned the gesture and walked away, looking every bit as tired as Even felt.

\---

Even awoke to the taste of cigarettes and joints in his mouth and a heaviness in his limbs. After Sonja left the party, he let himself loose. He smoked and drank. Maybe a little too much from the pounding headache he now had.

Mikael: Dude, u cool?

‘Im good. Just hungover and tired.’

Elias: Of course hes tired! Hes been jerking off to me all night long!

“Ugh, fuck,” Even groaned.

Youssef: What did you guys get up to while I was gone?

Elias: Evens totally gay for me. I dont blame him i have that effect.

Mikael: Get a grip Elias. Even was so drunk he would have made out with a shoe.

He groaned. He couldn’t believe he tried to make out with Elias while drunk. ‘Fuck all of you,’ he replied before heading over to the bathroom to throw up.

By the time he was ready to get out of his apartment, he was already fifteen minutes late for work. His manager didn’t look amused.

“Good to see you, Even,” she said, glaring at him. Despite standing at least a foot shorter, the gray-haired woman managed to strike fear into Even.

“I’m sorry. I’m here now and I can stay after to make up for lost time.”

She shook her head in resignation. “You don’t have to stay after, but I’m docking your hours.”

“Of course,” he nodded.

She gave him a sympathetic smile. “You look terrible.”

He sighed. “I feel terrible too.”

He threw on his apron and got behind the bar. The day went by relatively quickly, and pretty soon, the shop was lulling into the thin dinner time crowd. Usually, the only people who came in around this time were those looking for a quiet place to eat alone. People who didn’t have anyone to eat with. It made an insecure part of Even think about Sonja. What if she didn’t take him back? Would he end up eating alone at coffee shops? Even was wiping the display case when he heard the chime of the door. “I’ll be with you in a moment,” he said to whoever just came in.

“Okay,” a voice replied.

Even was satisfied with cleaning the glass display once he could make out the ingredients in the sandwiches. He walked behind the counter to greet the customer. He prided on his professionalism when he only paused for a moment before regaining his composure. “Hello. Welcome to Enkel Kaffebar. What can I get you?”

In front of him stood Isak Valtersen. He was dressed in a pink and blue pastel hoodie, with a maroon scarf around his neck and the lower part of his face. Although half hidden by the scarf, Even knew that face anywhere. Knew those eyes. Isak took off the scarf to reveal a flushed, pale neck. Even swallowed a bit.

“Sorry, just give me a moment,” the other boy said. He brushed his hand through the mop of curls on his head. “Um,” Isak mumbled, before clearing his throat. “What would you recommend?”

Even’s eyes drifted down to his lips and fixated on the way his mouth turned upwards at his cupid’s bow. It was a nice shape, he thought, before he realized he hadn’t heard a word Isak said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

“Uh,” Isak said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll have the chai latte and a smoked salmon on rye. And a fruit salad.”

Once Even regained his composure, he decided to test the waters with Isak a little. “Do you like it big?” he teased.

Isak’s eyes go a bit wide. “Excuse me?” he choked out, his face turning a bright shade of red.

“The chai. What size do you want it? We have a special on the large right now.” Smooth, Even, smooth.

“Oh. Oh! Um,” the other boy gulped. “A large then.” Even watched Isak a little more closely. He wasn’t naive to the innuendo, and Even quite liked the way Isak reacted. And it also confirmed to him that Isak’s mind was exactly where Chris had implied it would be. Even didn’t think of himself as ‘that guy’, the kind of guy that paid attention to rumors or gossip about other people. Especially not when it came to what people did behind closed doors. Or more accurately during parties and wherever in school they could find some privacy in. And he was not, he swore, the kind of guy to sexually objectify other people. But there was just something about Isak Valtersen that made him abandon his usually high moral standards. Chris had called Isak ‘simple’, and that was something alluring to Even at the moment. He wanted simple. He wanted simple kneeling in front of him. He wanted simple on top of him, riding him...

He gave the boy in front of him a lazy smile. “Sure. Can I get your name?” Even asked. “For the chai.”

“Yeah. It’s Isak.”

“We also have a loyalty plan. You sign up with us and we will give you your tenth drink free, and randomly every month, a free drink and lunch combo on your visit.”

“That sounds good. What do I need to do?”

“I just need your number and email.” Even spun the kiosk around. When he turned it back to himself, he almost wanted to copy down the number right then and there. But Isak was standing right in front of him and Even was not as discreet as he would like to be. Not to mention that it was probably illegal for him to get a customer’s number off their registration. It didn’t matter though, Even would get Isak’s number eventually.

“Here’s your sandwich. I’ll make your drink now and bring it over to you when it’s ready.” Isak gave him a shy smile and thanked him.

Isak was sitting at a table in the back corner of the shop. It was a strange place to sit when there were so many better seats available. Isak could have sat at the windows, near the sun. But instead here he was, like he was hiding away from the world.

“Here’s your chai,” Even said with a smile. Isak pulled out the earphones from his ears.

“Thanks,” he replied, again with a shy smile. It was an undeniably attractive smile. Far more innocent looking than Even expected.

The shop was relatively empty and Even wasn’t busy at the moment, so he chanced it and sat down in front of Isak. The other boy just stared at him in confusion. Alright Even, time to turn up the charm. “Do you mind if I sit? I’m Even by the way,” he said as he reached his hand out across the table for Isak to shake.

“I know,” the other boy responded before he seemed to catch himself. “I mean, I know you from school.”

Even laughed. Was the blush on Isak’s face and neck permanent? “I know. I’ve seen you around too.” Isak seemed to perk up at that. “But I haven’t seen you in here before.”

“It’s actually my first time coming,” Isak replied. “It’s nice, but a little hipster for my taste,” he added, smirking. This time, Evan’s laugh was less reserved.

“Is it?”

“Yeah. Like, what’s in this chai anyway?”

“Tea, milk, and spices,” Even replied.

“What spices?”

“Cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, and probably a lot of other stuff.”

“Cardamom?” Isak replied, raising his brows. “Isn’t that a little hipster?”

“It’s how you’re supposed to make it! You need cardamom.” Even protested, but he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face.

“Cardamom!” Isak said in the dorkiest voice that Even had ever heard. He looked at the boy in front of him like he was a different species. Isak seemed to notice Even’s confused expression. “Um, sorry,” he coughed out ducking his eyes away from Even’s gaze.

“That was weird,” Even said, teasing the boy in front of him. Isak looked like wanted to bury himself inside a hole. “But I don’t mind.”

Isak laughed in a tone that sounded like relief. “You don’t mind?” he chuckled.

“I more than don’t mind. I find it… kind of cute.” Well, Even thought, he might as well make his intentions clear.

Isak’s eyes became hooded, and underneath his long lashes he looked at Even an intensity that threatened to burn Even’s skin. “Yeah?” the boy whispered, voice dripping with sultriness. Even felt whiplashed from the way Isak shifted from shy and blushing to… to this. Even cleared his throat. This was far too intense for a first meeting. He wanted Isak, of course, but he would like it better if the burn was slower. He wanted Isak to beg for it. Beg for him. So, instead of giving into the clear interest in Isak’s eyes, Even redirected the conversation.

“So what brings you here alone, dude?” Even asked.

“Oh,” Isak replied. “I was supposed to meet up with someone, but he bailed out on me at the last minute. He lives around here.”

“That sucks.”

“It’s cool. It wasn’t anything serious.”

“Well,” Even said. “I know it threw a wrench in your plans, but I’m glad he canceled on you.” Isak raised his eyebrows inquisitively. “Otherwise, how would you have found this hipster little shop here?” Isak smiled.

“I mean, the food’s alright. The tea isn’t so bad either. The customer service though… I can think of some suggestions.”

Even laughed. That little shit. He was a better flirt than Even gave him credit for. Well, two can play at that game. Even stretched his arms above his head. He knew his limbs were long, and drawing attention to their length was his secret weapon. “Seeing as how I never had a complaint before you, I guess you’re a bit distracting…” Even let his gaze purposefully fall to Isak’s lips. “I should probably get back to the counter before my boss chew me out, but Isak, I have a feeling I’ll be seeing more of you.” The boy in front of him swallowed, a blush blooming on his face. Even considered it a victory as he walked away.

\---

Even didn’t normally eat lunch at school. It wasn’t like in Bakka, where he could find familiar faces. But since Isak came into the coffee shop, Even had been a bit preoccupied with thoughts of the boy. A little obsessed, he admitted. So right now, he was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible while he spied on the green-eyed blond from across the room.

Isak was sitting in his usual group of friends again. There were three people with him, but Even ignored the other two to focus on the boy with his arm slung around Isak’s shoulders, the one with dark hair and caterpillar-like eyebrows. He took his arm off Isak’s shoulder before reaching out to brush a strand of hair from Isak’s face, tucking it behind his ears. Isak was all smiles, seemingly preening under the brunette’s attention. Even immediately decided that he disliked the boy. Who was he? Was he Isak’s boyfriend? But the blond had clearly been flirting with Even at the coffee shop. Was Isak the kind of guy to flirt with other people even though he already had a boyfriend? When Chris had said that Isak wasn’t the boyfriend type, did he mean he wasn’t the faithful kind?

Even found it hard to reconcile that fact with the innocent look Isak wore on his face. But then again, he dropped the shy act pretty quickly when Even made his interest clear. Maybe this was how Isak was. A dirty, cheating slut who got away with it because he looked like an angel.

Jesus, Even! He mentally smacked himself for being so vulgar, and frankly, mean. He shouldn’t be so judgemental of someone he barely even knew. Still, the idea that Isak was so debauched struck a nerve in Even, though to be fair, he didn’t think he had the moral high ground here. Yes, he and Sonja were officially on a break. But not a day after, he was already flirting with someone else. He was sure that hadn’t been what Sonja understood when he had told her he needed space for himself. Space for himself shouldn’t include Even pursuing someone else.

And what did Even even really want? He didn’t want a relationship, that was for sure. A relationship meant obligations. It meant responsibility. Even was pretty tired of that with Sonja. What he wanted from Isak was pure and simple. He wanted release. He wanted freedom to taste those lips. He wanted to ruin Isak, through and through.

Which was why he felt like such a hypocrite for judging Isak. Sure, he might already have a boyfriend, but that didn’t mean what they both wanted from each other was any different. And was the fact that Isak already had a boyfriend going to stop Even from pursuing the green-eyed boy? Even couldn’t answer that question. He really had no moral high ground to stand on, did he?

Even was so focused on Isak and his boyfriend that he didn’t notice Chris plop into the seat next to him until the other boy waved his hand in front of his face. “Yoohoo.”

“Shit,” Even said as he jerked out of surprise.

Chris smirked knowingly at him. “Someone catch your eye?” He gestured to the blond boy across the canteen. Chris put up his hand in mock surrender. “I’m not judging, dude. Like I said, he is a fine piece of ass.”

Hearing Chris talk about Isak like that filled Even with bile. “So you’ve fucked him, then?”

“Who hasn’t?” Chris laughed, a bit too airy to be talking about something so lewd. Even really didn’t consider Chris a bad guy. He was pretty fun to be around, most of the time at least. But right now, all he wanted to do was punch Chris square in the jaw.

Chris must be oblivious to the violence brimming inside of Even because he didn’t stop talking. “I mean I only ever got a blowjob from him, but it was hands down the best damn blowjob I ever had. Creamed right in his mouth too. And get this! He swallowed every drop. I was so hard that I was ready to go again and just pump into him from behind. But fuck my luck right? Just as I was about to ride him, Jonas knocked on the door. He pretty much bolted out of the room and hid in the bathroom. It’s a shame really. I would love a chance to finish what I started, but it’s near impossible to get Isak alone at a party anymore.”

Even was so close to exploding on Chris, but his mind got caught on a detail. “Who the fuck is Jonas?”

Chris glanced over to Isak. “The kid Isak is with. They’re like glued to the hip or something. Unless Isak is busy being a slut. But I don’t think Jonas knows about that.”

“So Isak sleeps around and Jonas doesn’t know?” Even asked, vision clouded over by anger. 

“I mean, it’s not like people talk about it openly. A lot of the guys Isak hook up with are already in relationships with girls. They wouldn’t want it going around. So if you ever want to try him out, I’m sure Sonja wouldn’t hear about it.” Chris wiggled his eyebrows at Even. The nerve on this guy.

“No thanks. I don’t want to catch anything from some whore’s sloppy seconds,” Even spat as he pushed himself off the table and walked away.

\---

Even knew he had no right to be angry. He was being irrational. He and Isak flirted, but they weren’t anything. What Isak chose to do to his boyfriend was not his business. Still, he went from disliking Jonas to pitying him in the span of a lunch period. No guy deserved to be made a fool of like that. Isak was really something.

If he hadn’t been so busy stewing in imaginary outrage, he might have noticed Isak walking over to his locker. The other boy was approaching him with a smile on his face. The same innocent smile he wore last time. Except now, instead of the fluttery feeling it stirred in him before, the sight of it made Even sick.

“Hey Even!” he said. Even sighed underneath his breath. He didn’t greet him back, choosing instead to lean against the locker and give Isak a hard stare. The shorter boy mustn’t have noticed anything was wrong because he just came up to Even. “Um, I know we only just met and all, but I was wondering if you’d like to grab a bite to eat sometime? I work after school most days but I’m free on Fridays?” he asked, looking shy and hopeful in equal measures.

It would pain Even to do this, but he didn’t want to be another one of Isak’s trysts. Even if he really wanted nothing more than to feel Isak pressed up against him and make the shorter boy squirm until all his limbs turned to jelly, he didn’t think he could live with himself if he enabled Isak’s depraved habit. “I don’t think so,” he replied.

“Oh,” Isak responded. The hope on his face was replaced by uncertainty, his smile shifting into a frown. “I thought… I just thought we had a thing,” Isak spoke, sounding more shy than before.

Even groaned. “We didn’t have a thing. There was no thing.”

“Right,” Isak said, head casted downwards, before he seemed to muster up the resolve to look Even in the eyes. “Then why did you…,” he stuttered, “why did you lead me on?”

“Jesus, Isak. I wasn’t leading you on,” Even replied, knowing full well that he had been leading Isak on. “If I knew you were… if I knew you were like ‘this’ around other guys,” he said, gesturing to Isak with his hands, “I would have never sat down next to you. What you do in private is your business. But I don’t want to take part in it. It’s...” Even huffed. “It’s disgusting what you’re doing.”

Isak let out a bitter laugh. He glared at Even with fierceness in his eyes, unflinching despite the moisture that formed over them. “You think I’m disgusting? Fuck you, Even. You think I don’t already know that? I see it every morning when I look into the mirror. I don’t need to hear it from some asshole like you.” Isak turned around and was about to march off, but Even caught his arm and spun him back around to face him.

Even was angry too. He grabbed Isak by the shoulder and slammed him into the locker. Lucky for him, most of the other students had already emptied from the corridors to their classes. “I’m the asshole? Well at least I’m not a fucking liar.”

“You don’t know shit about me,” Isak cursed. “And it’s rich that you’re calling me a liar. What about you, huh? Don’t try to deny it. You were basically fucking me with your eyes at the cafe. Just because you had a change of heart doesn’t make it any less true.” Isak smirked before continuing. “What? Are you afraid of liking me? Or are you ashamed because you already have a girlfriend?”

“Hmmph,” Even scoffed. Isak really knew how to push buttons. Fine, two can play at that game. He let his hand migrate from Isak’s shoulders to the sides of his face, pinning the other boy still as he leaned in closer until his lips almost grazed Isak’s ear. “From what I heard, you love fucking guys who are already takened.” Isak struggled underneath him, but Even didn’t let his grip slip. “Does that make it easier for you to hide the fact that you’re a slut?” Even whispered, lingering on the last word. “What if Jonas found out, huh? How disappointed would he be in you? Should I tell him?”

A strangled sob sounded out from underneath him. Even pulled back to look at Isak’s face. All it took was one look at the boy’s broken look to make Even’s anger evaporate in an instant. Tears were streaming down Isak’s face. “Please don’t tell Jonas,” he pleaded in a voice so wretched that it squeezed at Even’s heart. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for flirting with you. I’m sorry for cursing at you. I’m sorry for being so disgusting,” Isak sobbed. “Just please don’t tell him. I can’t let him know.”

Even tried to reach out to touch Isak’s face and wipe away the tears, but the other boy flinched from his touch. He swallowed the lump in his throat, tasting nothing but acid as it burned its way down to the pits of his stomach. “I won’t say anything,” Even whispered. He wouldn’t, not if it meant hurting the boy in front of him any more than he already had.

Isak wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands, and he looked everywhere but at Even. He didn’t stand around for long before running back in the direction he came from.

Well, shit, Even thought. So much for his plan to make Isak want him. Even slumped down against the lockers and cradled his head in his hands. Nothing about Isak made sense. If he was so concerned about Jonas finding out he was cheating on him, why did he sleep around so much? Why did he flirt with Even? Was it some sick, twisted kink of his?

And why did Even care so much about the green-eyed boy? Sure, he was beautiful. The kind of beautiful that Even didn’t know existed outside of epic Baz Luhrman romances. The kind of beautiful that inspired star-crossed lovers to follow their sweethearts into the eternal with a poisoned kiss. But if all he felt for Isak was lust, why did the sight of the other boy in tears bother him so much?

\---

Even didn’t see Isak the next day at school, nor the next, nor the one after that. After an entire week of not seeing Isak, Even felt himself slipping into depression. He was glad it was Friday. He could hide away and not deal with anything until Monday at the least.

Even sighed in frustration. He was fucking worthless. He was a useless sack of shit that couldn’t do anything right. He hurt everybody that came into contact with him. He hurt Isak. He didn’t mean to. The torrent of emotion that had rushed through him blinded him with anger, with jealousy, of all which he had no right to feel. He was afraid that his fixation on Isak was veering into something that he didn’t want to name...

He was glad he didn’t have the resolve to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. With the shit state his mind was in, he could end up doing something really, really bad. So he counted his blessings and let his mind drift off into sleep like the coward that he was.

When he opened his eyes, there was light and noise outside. He didn’t know how much time had passed by, only that it had been dark when he closed his eyes. Although he slept, he didn’t feel well rested. He could feel his stomach twisting and grumbling, but he couldn’t feel the hunger. It was like he was a bystander in his own body. He drifted off to sleep again, either because of the weakness his body must have felt from not eating, or because of the stress and guilt he felt about the way he had treated Isak.

The next time he woke up, it was to the loud buzzing sound of his phone on the nightstand. He wanted to ignore it, but he knew that if he did, it would only cause his friends to break down his door and storm into his apartment. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be anymore of an inconvenience than he already was.

He reached over and grabbed the phone. There were thirty unread messages from the boys’ group chat, and ten messages and two missed calls from just Mikael.

‘Still alive. Just tired.’ He managed to type.

Mikael: Ok. But I have to make sure u eat. Im coming over and using the spare key.

When he woke up again, it was to the gentle rocking of his shoulders. “Hey Even,” Mikael said. Mikael pushed back the strand of hair stuck on his face with sweat. “I brought you some cream of chicken soup. And a peanut butter bar.” Even pushed himself up to sit. Mikael brought a spoon to his mouth. However it might have tasted, all that Even can really register is that there is something sloshing around in his mouth. He took the cup from Mikael and just brought the entire thing into his mouth. He might as well get it over with. “Slow down,” Mikael chastised him gently, “I’m not in a rush to go anywhere.” Mikael handed him the spoon. Even tilted the cup back down and started scooping the contents up into his mouth. Mikael didn’t say anything else and Even loved him all the more for it. Once Even finished the soup, he turned away from Mikael and covered himself up with his comforter. He didn’t hear Mikael leave as he drifted back to sleep.

This time, he awoke with more energy. Still not very much energy at all, but at least more than before. He didn’t count his days, but by now it must have been a school day. He heard the growl of his stomach, and he could also feel the hunger seeping back in. He pushed him up against the head of the bed. On his nightstand were the peanut butter bar and a sticky note. He unwrapped the bar and bit into it, grateful for the weight it left inside his stomach.

He read the note. ‘You’re amazing and I love you. Promise me we’ll talk when you’re up to it? Hugs and kisses, Mikael’

He appreciated the sentiment, but he felt the furthest thing from amazing. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to face telling Mikael just how not amazing he was.

He was able to force himself up to the bathroom to relieve his bladder. He even washed his face and rinsed out his mouth. But by the time he got back to the bed, he was exhausted again. This time, though, he couldn’t fall asleep. He just laid there and stared at the expanse of his ceiling. It was green, like the sea, like the color of Isak’s eyes as they clouded over with tears. He knew he had to make it right, whatever that meant, and whatever it took. For now, he contented himself with staring into nothingness. 

By the time morning approached and Even roused himself from the daze, Even felt like a new person. He got up out of bed, shed the clothes he’d been in for the past however long days, and let the soothing warmth of the shower lull away the physical and mental ache he had felt. He had a plan now, he told himself. Everything would be alright.

Even knew that the only reason Isak would cheat on Jonas is if he was unhappy with him. So Even would do everything to make Isak happy. He was going to steal Isak from Jonas.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter! As much as I love a soft Even, I also wanted to write a darker version of him. Ngl, I'm a bit attracted to mess up characters in fiction.


	2. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of a warning, this chapter features a lot of self loathing and, from Isak's perspective, a very shady Even.

Isak’s head was throbbing with pain, perhaps from the thoughts that raced through his mind, or perhaps from just being dehydrated because he finished the last bottle of water the night before and really didn’t feel like leaving the confines of his bed to grab another one. Needless to say, Isak wasn’t in the best of shape. And it was all because of a boy.

“It’s disgusting what you’re doing,” Even spat at him. Isak buried his face in his pillow and screamed. Who the fuck did Even think he was to judge to Isak? Especially when the taller boy had been flirting with him at the coffee shop too. No one ever flipped from flirting to calling someone else disgusting unless they were hiding something. Maybe Even felt guilty about their interaction. Maybe he was a closeted homophobe - he hadn’t exactly denied having a girlfriend. Well, whatever the reason, Even was a piece of work.

Great job Isak, going after a guy with a girlfriend again. He was such a cliche. It wasn’t like he actively sought them out. Often, it was the opposite. Isak would be minding his own business at a party when someone would grab him and shove him into a closet or drag him to an empty room. Somehow being openly gay made him a magnet for guys wanting to experiment. Perhaps they were secretly bi, or perhaps they were just curious. It didn’t matter because none of them actually wanted to be with him (which he was fine with). It turned out that being sexually fluid behind closed doors was fine as long as you were straight in public. 

The guys he’d been with pleaded with him to keep their hookups a secret, some had even went as far as to threaten him, as if Isak wanted anyone to find out any more than they did. He was just as ashamed about it as they were, even if for different reasons. But why did he keep letting them treat him like that? He really didn’t want to delve into that can of worms.

God, Isak felt sick. Even though he knew it was wrong, and even though they kept treating him like a dirty secret, Isak couldn’t say no when they sought him out under the cover of darkness for muffled kisses and quick release. Whore, he imagined his mother calling him. What else would you call someone like Isak? He was more Jezebel than Mary. He knew that if he were in the shoes of the countless blissfully ignorant girls whose boyfriends he’d messed around with, he would be devastated. So yeah, Isak hated himself a little bit for doing that to them.

And the shame he felt was exactly why he never wanted Jonas to know. Isak had betrayed Jonas...

Isak groaned at the memory of that day. His father had texted him in the morning to demand he visit his mother at the psychiatric hospital, threatening to not send money for rent otherwise. Isak hadn’t wanted to see his mother. The last time he’d visited her, she’d told him he had a dark aura surrounding him and the only way to save himself was to repent for his sins in the light of God. He hadn’t been in a mood to deal with her.

The only reason he’d gone to the party that day was to get wasted and forget about the shitshow that was his family. He hadn’t set out to hook up with anyone, but Chris had been circling him all night, all smiles and easy touches. In his inebriated mind, Isak had craved the other boy’s attention, pretending that the compliments the brunette threw his way meant more than just lust. It also didn’t hurt that Chris was easy on the eyes, he admitted. So Isak had indulged Chris’s advances. How was he supposed to know that Jonas would barge into the room they’d snuck off to, barely giving Isak any time to hide out in the bathroom?

It had only gotten worse when he’d overheard the insults Jonas had thrown at Chris, declaring in a very drunk, very loud outburst that he hated “homewrecking mansluts.” Not soon after, he had heard the slick of a fist connecting with a jaw.

He’d found Jonas later that night sitting on a bench outside the party, with a bruise blooming across his cheek and tears streaming down his face. Jonas had pulled him down next to him and gripped him in a hug, spilling out in sobs that Eva had been cheating on him with Chris. Isak’s heart had sunk. His stomach had churned in disgust at both Chris and himself.

Since that night, Isak had gone out of his way to avoid Chris. Any time the other boy had made his way over to Isak, he’d made sure to find an excuse to leave. Eventually, the other boy had seemed to get the message.

Isak also stopped sleeping around, too wracked with guilt. Jonas’s heartbreak had made him realize how much he and Chris had in common, and that had made Isak face the uncomfortable truth about his actions. He was, he thought, nothing more than a parasite on other people’s relationships. Perhaps if he hadn’t been drinking away his feelings, perhaps if he had taken a deep look into the emptiness inside of him, he would have made better choices. But by then, it had already been too late. If Jonas could just cut ties with the girl he once proclaimed was the ‘love of his life’, Isak couldn’t trust that his best friend would stand by him either. 

Maybe it was karma. Maybe the universe was punishing him for being the disgusting, immoral person that he knew he was. He can’t say he didn’t deserve it, but he also didn’t need Even to remind him, and he especially didn’t need Even to threaten him with that fact. He groaned at himself. How could he have been so naive? Had he really thought Even would be different? The taller boy was so nice to Isak at the cafe, his eyes brimming with friendliness every time Isak dared to meet them… but of course, guys like Even always acted nice and friendly when they wanted something from Isak.

He buried his head underneath his blanket, hoping to shut out the world. But then the world came knocking at his door. “Isak,” Eskild called out. “Baby boy?”

“Fuck,” Isak mumbled.

“Isak,” Eskild repeated in an inquisitive tone, not unlike a parent about to interrogate their child. “You haven’t left your bed in a while.”

“It’s only been two days,” Isak replied peevishly. He missed about two days of school because he couldn’t keep hiding from Even anymore. After their altercation, the last thing Isak wanted to do was run into the other boy. So whenever he’d caught a glimpse of the other (which wasn’t hard since Even was freakishly tall), he had ducked behind other students, into classrooms, and one time, he wasn’t proud to admit, into an already occupied bathroom stall.

“I know that in that beautiful but misguided head of yours, camping out in your room for two straight days is normal, but I’m concerned,” Eskild said as he scooted onto the bed next to Isak. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Isak, I just bought a case of pastries from the bakery down the street. If you say more than one word, you get first pick of all of the good ones before Linn gets to them.”

“Bribing me with food? You’re evil, Eskild.”

“I’m a fucking angel and you know it,” Eskild laughed, “but keep on talking.”

“I said it was nothing,” Isak murmured.

“I got eclairs.”

Isak sighed. Of course he had. Eskild knew Isak’s greatest weakness. “It’s really nothing. I just got into an argument with someone and now I’m avoiding them.”

“Okay. Was this argument with a boy?” Eskild prodded, air-quoting ‘argument’ to get Isak to elaborate.

Isak pushed his face deeper into his pillow and groaned. Eskild probably thought that another one of Isak’s hook-ups threatened him to keep quiet. While yes, Even had threaten him, they’d never hooked up and it had been Isak who’d begged for the other boy to keep his secrets.

“He was just some asshole who called me disgusting for sleeping around.” Isak didn’t have to look up to know the look that Eskild was sending his way, the concerned but judgemental face that only Eskild could manage to make look not condescending.

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Stop it.”

“Isak...”

Isak turned away from the pillow to face Eskild. “I know what you’re doing. You want me to talk about it and then come to the realization that I shouldn’t be hooking up with straight guys anymore.”

Eskild stroked a strand of hair out of Isak’s face before poking him between the eyes with his index finger. “Yes, but I’m coming from a place of experience. I’ve been there, baby boy, and it doesn’t end well.”

Isak huffed. “I’m not even sleeping around anymore. Not since last month, anyway.” And he was telling the truth. After the fiasco that was Jonas almost catching him with Chris, Isak had been a lot less inclined to sneak around with anyone at all. And, as much as he hated to admit it, a quick fuck with a stranger was a lot less appealing to him when all he seemed to want was a certain tall boy with plump lips and streaked back hair.

“So why did this boy feel the need to make his feelings known to you?”

Isak rubbed his eyes in frustration. He didn’t think Eskild would let this go. “We flirted, but then he did a complete one eighty. I guess it might’ve gotten too intense for him?”

Eskild clucked his teeth and shook his head. “Fuck guys like that.”

Isak sighed. “But that wasn’t even the worst part. He threatened to tell Jonas about Chris, I think. I’m not too sure.” Even hadn’t been as sly as he’d thought he was while he’d been staring at Isak at school that day. Isak had seen him talking to Chris during his lunch period. He’d known the two hung out sometimes, but he’d just assumed Chris wouldn’t want anyone to know about their hook up. Judging by how Even had reacted to Isak later, though, Chris must’ve said something.

“Damn,” Eskild whispered before gently squeezing Isak’s shoulder. “He sounds like a real asshole.”

“He really is,” Isak agreed.

“And you like him, don’t you?”

“What?” Isak spluttered. “No I don’t!”

Eskild raised his brows. “Isak, you wouldn’t be moping in here for two days if this was just some run-of-the mill asshole. You missed work yesterday too.”

“It’s fine. I got Chris Berg to cover.”

“That wasn’t my point.” Sometimes Isak wanted to shake Eskild hard for his uncanny ability to see through Isak.

“Well it really doesn’t matter what I felt because now I hate him.”

“It’s okay to be a bit sad about it. You’re allowed to be disappointed in people.”

Isak laughed. Disappointed wasn’t strong enough of a word to describe what he felt towards Even. Perhaps if the other boy hadn’t shown him any interest at all, it would have been easier for Isak to forget about him. But instead, he had to live with the fact that it was who he was and what he did that made Even lose interest in him.

“Well, you can mope all you want, but you should at least shower. You’re starting to stink.”

“Fine,” Isak moaned, equal measures touched and annoyed by Eskild’s concern.

When he finally stopped feeling sorry for himself, Isak made his way to the kitchen. Eskild and Linn were tucked into each other, watching some trashy reality show. Isak shoved an eclair into his mouth, almost swallowing it whole in one bite. Whatever Isak had been feeling earlier felt less important as he sunk his teeth into the buttery and sugary richness. He sat next to his roommates and watched the mess that was playing on Linn’s laptop. If only for a moment, he could forget about all his problems.

Unfortunately, that moment didn’t last long, ending when his phone buzzed.

Jojo: y weren’t u in school?

Isak groaned. wasnt feeling well, sorry.’

Jojo: u couldnt text me that?

‘super super sorry. Hadnt been checking phone’

Jojo: how r u feeling now?

‘Better’

Jojo: need anything?

‘No. im really fine.’

Jojo: ur still coming to my party tomorrow right?

‘Sure.’

Jojo: u wanna come over my place today? I could use the company.

‘Alright.’

Isak sighed. The truth was he had been avoiding Jonas since his run in with Even. He just felt awkward, like he couldn’t face up to Jonas when he didn’t know whether Even was going to stay true to his word and keep quiet or if he was going to spill the beans and ruin Isak’s life.

Isak swore that if he knew Even would be such trouble, he wouldn’t have flirted with the guy in the first place. Just the memory of it made Isak want to ram his face against a hard surface. He’d been so stupid, so eager, for the other boy’s attention that he braved going into the cafe where Even worked. It wasn’t like he wasn’t stalking the other boy, he just happened to catch a glimpse of him through the windows while walking to Jonas’s place one day. He wouldn’t call it love at first sight or anything cheesy like that, but he couldn’t deny that something close to hope had bloomed in his chest when Even had openly flirted with him… He’d even thought that maybe he could put his past behind him and date someone openly for the first time in his life. Now, though, it just felt like a cruel joke.

\---

Isak couldn’t help the rush of concern that flooded through him when Jonas opened the door. The bushy-browed brunette had bags underneath his eyes and although he tried, Jonas’s smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes. Isak pulled him into a hug. “Hey,” he said, before stepping inside. 

Jonas led him to the couch before grabbing two beers from his fridge and handing one to Isak. He didn’t wait for Isak to open his before he popped off the cap and took a swig. “So,” Isak asked, “why did you want me to come over?”

Jonas sat facing Isak, his legs tucked up into his chest. “Eva sent me an email…” Isak sucked in a breath. Jonas continued, “I blocked her on my phone and my insta, but I didn’t think she’d try email.” Isak nodded. “I mean, who even fucking emails anymore?”

Isak took a sip from his bottle. He should probably pace himself if they were going to have this conversation. “What did she say?”

Jonas let out a loud exhale. “I don’t know. I haven’t opened the email yet.” Jonas handed Isak his phone. “Could you read it for me?”

“Jonas,” Isak warned, “are you sure that’s a good idea?” 

Jonas shook his head. “It’s probably not a good idea. I was just going to delete it. But maybe one day I might want to know what she said.” Isak ran his hand through his hair. “But,” Jonas added, “you can say no. I don’t want you to feel like you have to get in the middle of this.”

Isak gave Jonas a weak smile. “I can read it,” he said, fully aware he was committing himself to a potential car wreck. Isak scanned through Jonas’s email and clicked on the one sent by Eva.

‘I know this is incredibly selfish of me. I know you made it clear that you never want to talk to me again. But I can’t move on unless I feel like I had a chance to make myself heard. You owe me at least that.

I know what I did was wrong. I know I hurt you. But you hurt me too. Let’s not pretend that everything was fine. I may have been the one to explode things, but you had been pulling away from me for months before that. I know you said that nothing was going on, but I know what I saw Jonas. Even if you never acted on it, I know you were interested in Vilde. I’m not an idiot.

How did you think it made me feel to see my boyfriend express interest in one of my friends? How do you think it made me feel to wonder what you were up to when you weren’t with me? And how did you think it made me feel when I told you how I felt only for you to say it was ‘all in my head’?

Maybe I did what I did because I knew it was either wait for you to fuck up or fuck things up myself. I chose the latter because then I would at least feel like I had some control. I know you’re angry at me. But maybe you should be honest about why you’re angry. I think your pride hurts more than your heart.

This isn’t an apology. I know I fucked up and I can tell you I’m sorry, and I truly am, but I don’t need you to forgive me. Even if you never read this, I need to say it. Not for you, but for me.’

“Fucking hell,” Isak exhaled. That wasn’t what he expected. He was expecting Eva to be apologetic. To plead with Jonas. He hadn’t expected the rage that seeped from her words.

“What?” Jonas asked.

“You said you didn’t want to know?”

“I didn’t until you had that reaction.”

Isak wasn’t sure what to tell his friend, or if he should tell him anything at all. “Uh, she sounded upset.”

“Upset?” Jonas replied, brows furrowed. “What does she have to be upset about? I should be the one who’s upset!”

“Jonas,” he said. “People feel the way they feel.”

Jonas scoffed. “But that doesn’t give her the right to write to me and air her emotions like that! What game is she even playing?”

“She’s not playing anything,” Isak tried to explain. “She’s hurt. Like you.”

“Well excuse me,” Jonas said mockingly, “if she’s hurt, she shouldn’t have fucked Schistad then.”

Isak sighed, brushing his finger through his brows. “Right,” he replied, not wanting to argue with his best friend. Jonas was angry, and Isak needed to let him be.

Jonas took another swig from the bottle, finishing the rest in one go. “What else did she say?”

“Maybe you should just read it yourself,” Isak sighed, unwilling to paraphrase Eva.

His friend huffed, but he reached out to grab his phone from Isak. As he read the email, he slunk further into the couch, his face pinched in a mix of frustration and guilt. Jonas dropped the phone on the floor and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Fucking hell,” he cursed. “I told her there wasn’t anything going on with Vilde.”

Isak just nodded. That wasn’t entirely true though. Even Isak had seen it. Jonas was flirty around Vilde. Not just friendly, or touchy like some friends get, but outright flirty.

“What?” Jonas prodded, eyes boring into Isak’s.

“I didn’t say anything,” Isak said, retreating back into his seat a bit.

“But you’re thinking something. I know that look on your face.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” Isak shrugged.

“Of course it does! You’re my best friend, Isak.”

Jesus Jonas, Isak thought. “Um,” he mumbled, unsure where to start. “You were acting a little suspect around Vilde.” Isak wasn’t judging Jonas, he wasn’t a hypocrite. But he also couldn’t pretend like he hadn’t seen his friend sabotaging his relationship.

Jonas glared at Isak. “Are you defending Eva?”

“Of course not! I’m not saying what she did was right. But she gave you her reason, Jonas. Isn’t that better than not knowing why she did it?”

“That makes it worse. I… maybe I did like Vilde,” Jonas sighed. “but it was just a stupid crush. I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I would never cheat on Eva.”

“Yeah,” Isak interjected, “but did Eva know that?” Jonas turned his head down, propping it up with his hands and his elbows on his lap. Isak reached out and rubbed Jonas’s back. “Sometimes what things look like is just as important as what they really are.”

Jonas let out a hollow laugh. “Do you think I made her feel insecure?” he asked, voice dripping with sadness. It broke Isak’s heart.

“I think you were confused. And I think being confused about what you want isn’t an easy thing to deal with when you’re in a relationship.”

“So me being confused gave her a license to cheat on me?” Jonas spat, shaking his head. 

“Um,” Isak said as he shifted uncomfortably. “It doesn’t excuse what they do, but that’s just life. Sometimes, there isn’t always a good reason for why people do what they do.” Isak didn’t know if he was talking about Eva or himself.

“I don’t think that saying life’s complicated lets people off the hook. Okay, I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but she made the choice to cheat. I never forced her into it. Maybe she really just wanted an excuse to fuck Schistad,” Jonas said, burying his head into his hands. “That guy is the fucking worst. He acts like he’s god’s greatest gift to women just because looks like he stepped out of a magazine. You should hear how he brags about his hookups. He’s a fucking prick. Why would Eva go for someone like that?”

Isak scooted over to Jonas and put his arms around the other boy’s shoulders, pulling him close and bringing Jonas’s head to the crux of his neck. “I don’t think it was about Chris.” He didn’t know why Eva did what she did, but he also knew that sometimes people were willing to look past flaws if they could pretend that something was better than what they had. For Isak, Chris’s appeal wasn’t necessarily his pretty face or his sweet words. It was because he knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere. Chris was like the first shot of vodka at a party. He was just an excuse to not deal with things.

Jonas huffed. “So it was about me then?”

As much as Isak loved Jonas, he didn’t want to spare him the truth. “Yeah, it was. Or at least, it was about how she felt about you. You hurt her, and she didn’t know what to do about it.”

Isak half expected Jonas to push him away and curse at him. Instead, his friend just held onto him tighter. “I did, didn’t I? And she hurt me right back. We just end up hurting each other. Is this what love is?”

Isak exhaled. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t exactly have the best model for love.” Isak thought of his father bitterly.

“I don’t either…” Jonas whispered, pushing himself away from Isak’s chest and to look into his eyes. “This just cut a little close to home for me, you know?” Isak nodde. Jonas’s mom had left him and his father for another man.

“What happens now?” Isak asked. Jonas shrugged. Somehow, that made Isak laugh. Here they were, two emotionally stunted boys. While Isak dealt with his issues by sleeping around with unavailable men, Jonas clinged to his ideas about right and wrong, too proud to forgive people for their mistakes.

“I think I can use another beer” Isak joked, holding up his empty bottle. That got him a smile from Jonas.

“Alright. Enough of the heart-to-heart. I’m starting to feel like I should pay you for the therapy.”

“I’d be a shit therapist.”

“Yeah, but you make a good friend,” Jonas said, ruffling Isak’s curls as he stood up and walked over to the fridge. “I got us some food,” he said, bringing over a take out box and a couple bottles of beer.

Isak smiled and lifted up the lid, taking a bite out of the sandwich inside. “Salmon on rye? You’re a man after my own heart, Jonas!”

  
  


The brunette winked. “It’s from the place around the corner. You know, Enkel Kaffebar. Even works there.” Isak chewed, trying to avoid saying anything. “You know Even, right?” Isak tensed up, but shook his head in a lie.

“That’s weird. He seemed to know you,” Jonas said before grabbing a sandwich for himself.

“Uh,” Isak mumbled, face draining of color. “Maybe he’s in one of my classes or something.”

If Jonas noticed the change in his expression, he didn’t remark on it. “He was a bit weird. A bit intrusive.”

Isak swallowed, but the sandwich lost its taste. “What did he say…” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant but coming closer to dazed.

“He asked me how my relationship was going.”

“What?” Isak spluttered.

“A bit much, right? I just lied and said it was fine. I wasn’t going to divulge my personal life to a stranger. But then he asked how you were doing.”

Isak put his sandwich down. He felt like he was going to hurl. “What did you say?”

Jonas shrugged. “I just told him you couldn’t be happier, but maybe I sounded a bit sarcastic because get this, he smirked at me!” Isak tried to laugh, but it came out more like a strangled, high-pitched choking noise.

“What a… a freak.”

Jonas laughed. “He’s actually not that bad. He gave me a coupon for the sandwiches and then invited me to a party at his friend’s place tomorrow. I told him I was throwing my own party here,” Jonas said while he chewed. “But then he kind of invited himself to the party?”

Breathe, Isak, breathe. “You said no, right? I mean, he sounds like a psycho!”

Jonas threw a piece of lettuce at him. “Be nice, Isak.”

“Please tell me you said no,” Isak said, mouth gaping like a fish.

“He said he’d bring some beer.”

Isak felt sick. Just what was Even doing? Talking to Jonas, asking him about Isak, none of this sat easy with Isak. His stomach twisted in knots.

“You gonna finish that?” Jonas asked, pointing to the barely touched sandwich. Isak shook his head, his appetite gone.

\--- 

The third time he dropped the can of tomatoes he was stacking, Chris Berg stood over him with her arms folded and a concerned expression across her face. 

“My bad,” he muttered, picking it up. 

“What’s going with you today?” she asked.

“Nothing.” 

“That’s bullshit.”

Isak groaned. “You’re not even working today. Why are you even here?”

She just shrugged. “I like it here. It’s chill.”

Isak scanned the small convenience store they’re in, empty of anyone but the two of them. It’s four hours to midnight and Isak was about to finish up his shift. “You came to the place you work at, when you’re not working, because it’s chill?”

“Okay,” she said. “You got me. I just wanted to see how you were doing. You just asked me to cover your shift yesterday and never told me why.”

“I told you why. I wasn’t feeling well.”

“That’s not really an explanation.”

Isak stacked the last can and turned to face her. “I just had some stuff going on, alright?”

Chris made her way to the counter and sat down next to the cash register. “Come on Isak, stop being so closed off. We’re still friends.”

Isak sighed. She was right. They did use to tell each other things, before the battle lines had been drawn. When Jonas and Eva had broken up, they hadn’t exactly told anyone to pick sides, but that was what happened anyways. Isak, Magnus, and Mahdi had gone with Jonas, while Chris and Noora had ended up with Eva. And they all hated it. They hated how childish it all was and how low key fucked up that they divided along gender lines. Isak couldn’t really remember the last time he hung out with Chris Berg outside of the times they saw each other at work.

“Fine,” Isak said. “I’m just having trouble with a boy.”

“Well well well,” Chris drawled. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m sort of the expert on boy troubles.”

“It’s not that kind of boy trouble. It’s just some asshole who seems intent on ruining my life.”

“Whoa, drama. What is he doing to ruin your life?”

Isak never told her about Chris Schistad. It was after the freeze in their friend group happened. But right now, he wanted nothing more than for her to know. Out of all of his friends, it was weirdly her that he felt the most comfortable being honest with. It was probably because they both were, for lack of a better word, loose when it came to sex. Although she seemed to have a much less fraught relationship to her hookups than he did.

“If I tell you, will you promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Eva?”

“Bro,” she scoffed. “Of course I won’t tell anyone.”

Isak sucked in a breath. “I hooked up with Chris. Penetrator Chris…”

Her eyes went wide. “Well, shit.”

“And obviously Jonas doesn’t know.”

Chris just nodded, eyes still wide. “So you’re hooking up with Schistad and Jonas doesn’t know?”

“We’re not ‘hooking up’. It was only one time.” Isak leaned against the drinks fridge and sighed. “But I guess Chris told someone and now that someone is threatening to tell Jonas. I’m not sure what he wants from me. He probably just likes fucking with me.”

“Who is the guy?” she asked. “I’ll break his legs for you.”

Isak laughed. “If I tell you, will you promise not to butt in? I don’t need any more complications right now.”

Chris held out her pinky jokingly. “I’ll swear on it.”

“Alright. His name is Even. He’s a transfer student from Bakka.”

“Even? Even Bech Naesheim?”

“Yeah. You know him?” he asked, brows furrowed.

“Kind of. I met him a few times through his girlfriend.” Isak swallowed. So he was right. Even had a girlfriend. God, he didn’t need this. He couldn’t really deal with this shit again. “Are you sure it was Even?” she continued. “Sonja did say he could be inconsiderate, but I never got the sense from him that he would be the kind of guy to fuck with people.”

“Isn’t that how it usually goes?” Isak spat bitterly. “The nice guy is secretly a psychopath. I mean come on! He even looks like he would be in American Psycho.”

“Because he’s tall, slim and white? Or is it because he’s handsome and charming?”

“He’s not charming!” Isak protested.

Chris gave him a look. “So he’s an uncharming psychopath?”

“Exactly! Zero charm,” Isak said, raising his hands in the air.

“Alright. Why is he after you then?”

“The hell if I know.” Chris raised an eyebrow as if to call him on his shit.

“Fine,” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “He works at the cafe near Jonas’s place. I went in there one day and well, I guess I flirted with him. Or he flirted with me. It doesn’t matter. What matters is it wasn’t one-sided and just in my head.” She nodded, beckoning him to continue. “I thought everything went well until I ran into him again at school. I saw him talking with Chris. I guess Chris must have told him about me.”

“Shit.”

Isak sighed. “I asked him out on a date and he completely shut me down. Not only that, he slammed me against a locker and threatened to tell Jonas that I’m a slut.” Isak crossed his arms and slid along his back down the drinks fridge.

“That motherfucker!” Chris spat.

“Right? And what a fucking hypocrite too. He flirted with me even though he has a girlfriend, and he wants to get all high and mighty about who I sleep with?”

Chris nodded in agreement. “Whatever his deal is, he doesn’t get to judge you for your choices.”

Isak shook his head and exhaled. “But doesn’t he? Doesn’t everyone? Come on Chris.” He wasn’t defending Even. He was just admitting the truth.

“Isak…”

“I sleep with other people’s boyfriends! You can’t think that’s okay…”

Chris moved from her seat and sat down next to him. “I’m not saying I agree with what you do. But I don’t think your intention is to hurt anyone.”

“Why does it matter what my intentions are? I still do it. How would you feel if I slept with your boyfriend? Or your girlfriend?”

“To be honest, I’d be more mad at them.”

“I don’t think most people would see it like that,” Isak scoffed.

“That’s the problem, isn’t it? People who cheat do so because they want to,” Chris argued. “If it wasn’t with you, then it would be with someone else.”

“Yeah, but I make it easier for them. I’m not going to make excuses for myself.”

Chris shook her head. “It’s not an excuse, Isak. It’s context. You’re getting slut shamed for what? For hooking up like half the school does? Except that unlike most of us, you don’t have the luxury of doing it in the open.”

“That’s not true. I could have found another gay guy to date. Instead, I chose to hook up with guys like that. I’m not like you. You’re bi and you date both guys and girls openly.”

“Isak, just because a guy’s gay doesn’t mean you will click with him, sexually or romantically. And it’s not your fault that most guys our age aren’t mature enough to admit to themselves what they want, let alone admit it to others,” Chris said. “Me and those girls I dated knew what we wanted from each other and neither of us were ashamed of it. Neither were either of us being used by the other.”

“Come on Chris, I might let guys use my body, but I’m not some puppet. Deep down, I wanted it. I wanted them, wanted their bodies, and fuck I wanted their attention. You don’t have to spin these excuses so I come off as some innocent lamb in all of this. I’m not under any illusion that I’m anything but a whore.” Tears started to pool at the corner of his eyes. God, Isak was tired. He couldn’t talk about any of this to Jonas. He couldn’t even be completely honest with Iskild, afraid he would disappoint the roommate turned guardian figure. So the only person who knew the extent of his self-hatred was Chris Berg.

Chris sighed and wrapped an arm around Isak’s shoulders. “Isak, you’re not going to convince me that I should hate you. Whatever the reason you’re doing what you’re doing, it doesn’t mean you’re worthless. And it doesn’t give anyone an excuse to hurt you for it,” she said, placing a kiss on the top of his head. Isak wanted Chris to be right. He wanted to be a better person, if not for himself, than for all the people he could have hurt by his actions.

Isak exhaled. “Jonas is throwing a party at his place. Even’s gonna be there. Can you come with me just in case I need an escape?”

“Of course I can. I’ll beat him up if he even comes close to you,” Chris said, smiling. “And I can’t believe that asshole Jonas didn’t invite me!”

Isak smiled sadly. “It wasn’t personal. If he invited you, he would have to invite Noora, maybe even Vilde, and then it would have looked like he was slighting Eva.”

“Arrgh,” Chris groaned. “I know I’m supposed to love them, but sometimes I just want to smack them for being so dumb.”

“Me too, me too,” Isak agreed, leaning a bit closer into Chris’s arm. He missed this, missed when they could all just hang out. 

\---

When it was an hour into the party and Jonas’s place was filling up with guests, Isak started to think that Even wasn’t going to show up. Just when he thought he could breathe easier, however, he saw a familiar mop of blond hair in the corner of his eyes. Even was standing next to a brunette with a pixie cut. Isak remembered her because she’d kept throwing him interested looks earlier in the school year. Lately though, she had started to avoid his eyes anytime they’d crossed paths. He guessed someone must have clued her in on his preference.

Even leaned against the wall with his head resting in his hand. He was slouched down to accommodate the difference in height between them. He was all smiles, and it looked like he was enjoying himself, the bastard. Isak knew exactly what he was doing. He was flirting with her. Isak wasn’t stupid. Even used his body as a lure, the same way that carnivorous flowers trapped unsuspecting insects.

It shouldn’t have grated Isak's nerve so much, but seeing the other boy being so indiscriminate with who he flirted with left a bitter taste in Isak’s mouth. After Chris Berg confirmed that Even did indeed have a girlfriend, it only burned Isak more to see the other boy being such a damn hypocrite. How dare he threaten Isak when he was far from a saint himself? A part of Isak, however, felt relieved. If Even preoccupied himself with fucking someone, maybe he would forget about his plans to fuck with Isak. He could only hope that was the case.

Speaking of Chris, Isak scanned the room for the girl. He wasn’t in the least surprised to find her half on top of some guy eagerly swapping spit. Oh well, with Even preoccupied, it wasn’t like he needed her to shield him right now. He decided that it was as good a time as any to duck away from the living room to somewhere quieter. The master bedroom was off limits, but he could slip away to either the guestroom or Jonas’s room. Since it was still on the earlier side of the night, he hoped no one had decided to put the rooms to use yet…

Still, he knocked as a precaution, and when no one answered, he went inside and shut the door behind him. Isak was nursing his second bottle of beer of the night, pacing himself because he didn’t want to end up in another compromising situation. His conversation with Chris earlier had taken a lot out of him and for once, he didn’t feel a need to chase his emotions away in his usual fashion.

Jonas’s room was surprisingly organized for a boy known for being a stoner. There wasn’t any laundry on the floor, his books were impeccably shelved, and even his bed was made. If anything, he was the messy one, as Jonas was fond of reminding him every time he slept over at Isak’s apartment. Isak guessed that his friend picked up the habit of tidying up after himself when he was young. It wasn’t only because Mrs. Vasquez had left, Jonas’s dad wasn’t around that often either. Not that Mr. Vasquez was a bad father, far from it, he just worked a lot and sometimes his work as an importer meant he had to travel. When he was around, however, Jonas and him had a great relationship. Isak would have been jealous of it, but because he and Jonas were as thick as thieves, Mr. Vasquez had all but officially adopted Isak as his own.

Isak made his way to Jonas’s bed and laid down across it. He sighed. This was comfortable. He liked this. There was something comforting about the smell of his best friend that made him want to sink into the bed and drift off to sleep. He was tired, tired of parties, tired of spending his time secretly hoping that someone would notice him for more than his body. It wasn’t a desire he spoke out loud. He was afraid that admitting what he wanted only gave the universe a chance to screw him over again. Maybe he had inherited some of his mother’s paranoia.

His mother, who he had been avoiding for the past month, scared him. Not because she was abusive or anything. She would never intentionally hurt him; only in her episodes had she mistaken him for someone else and tried to hurt him. But seeing her confined to the psychiatric hospital stabbed his heart with his deepest fear. She was the most pitiable, lonely person in the world, and Isak feared he would end up the same. While his father would never admit it, Isak knew the reason his father left wasn’t just because his mother became ill and retreated into her own little world. It was that her newfound religiosity changed the way she showed affection. Isak’s father left because his wife no longer wanted to touch him in the way that men wanted to be touched… As much as he hated the man for abandoning them, Isak was grateful for the bitter lesson that men only ever really wanted one thing. Isak shut his eyes. He let Jonas’s easy smell lull him into sleep.

He didn’t know how long he dozed off for, but it mustn’t have been that long because he could still hear the echoes of music and voices from down the hall. Isak rubbed his eyes. When he opened them, he froze. At the foot of the bed sat Even, and he was holding up a picture frame. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Isak asked, still groggy from the nap.

Even held up the frame and smirked. “You two look happy.” It was a picture of Isak and Jonas from two years ago, when they had gone fishing with Jonas’s dad at a cabin up north. Jonas had his arms slung across Isak’s shoulders, dangling down to his bare chest. They both had smiles plastered across their faces. That was a good day, a good memory. He didn’t need Even’s mockery to soil the memory for him.

“I asked you what the fuck are you doing here?” Isak repeated, voice firmer than before.

Even shrugged. “I just needed a break from the party. Same as you, I guess?”

Isak scoffed. “What? That girl turned you down?”

Even raised his brow, looking at him inquisitively. Isak tried not to squirm underneath the boy’s gaze. “If you mean Emma, then no. She’s not really my type.”

“For someone who’s not your type, you were certainly laying it on thick with her,” Isak replied, disdain coloring his words. 

Even laughed, deep and rumbly. Isak tried not to control the way his traitorous body seemed to shiver because of it. Even cocked his head to the side. “Are you jealous?” he asked.

“Yeah right,” Isak spat. What the fuck was going through Even’s head that made him think Isak would be jealous? Sure, there might have been a time where Isak would have been jealous, but that was before he’d found out how cruel Even could be. Now, the only thing he felt towards the taller boy was bitterness. Just as Isak was about to get off the bed, Even scooted closer to him, causing Isak to back up against the wall. The other boy now leaned over him, his hand placed on the bedpost behind Isak’s head, the picture frame dropped on the floor and forgotten. Even face was close to Isak’s. Too close. “Get the fuck away from me,” Isak muttered.

“Relax,” Even replied, still smirking. “I’m not going to do anything. I just wanted to talk.” There was something unsettling about Even’s expression. He was smiling at Isak, the same smile he’d shown him at the cafe. His eyes were soft too, and Isak didn’t want to think about why that would be the case. Isak couldn’t detect any sign of disingenuity in the boy’s smile. And he hated it more than the sneer Even had shown him before.

“Then move out of my space” Isak said. Even laughed and leaned back a little, holding up his hand in appeasement before he pulled a joint out of his pocket and lit it up.

Even took a puff. “Do you want any?” he asked, leaving Isak’s head spinning in confusion. He shook his head. What was this guy’s deal? Isak folded his arm across his chest, maybe as a futile gesture to protect himself. Even stared into Isak’s eyes, his pupils dilated and his face darkened by a shadow that sculpted out his unfairly angular jaw and cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Even finally said. “For how I treated you the other day.”

Isak couldn’t be hearing this right. “You’re sorry?” he mimicked.

“Yeah. I said some stuff that I regret. Some unfair stuff. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole. I didn’t even mean what I said. I was just… I just had a lot of feelings and I took it out on you.”

Something about this doesn’t sit well with Isak. “Why are you telling me this?”

Even smiled. “I just thought,” he shrugged, “that we could start over. Have a re-do. Maybe be friends?”

There it was, Even’s motive. Isak let out a mirthless laugh while shaking his head. “Jesus, you’re a piece of work,” Isak spat. Even raised his brows at that. “You must think I’m an idiot.”

“No,” Even interrupted, his face shifting to something serious. “Why would I think that?”

“No? You fucking called me a slut. And then you threatened to tell Jonas about me. Don’t play dumb. I saw you talking with Chris Schistad. What did he say to you, huh?” Isak could feel anger coursing through his veins. “Did he tell you about what we did? Fucking hell, Even. I don’t believe for a second that you had a change of heart all of a sudden.”

“I don’t care what Chris said,” Even replied. His smile returned, but he was still staring at Isak with a deep intensity. “And I really did have a change of heart,” he added, holding his hand to his chest. Isak felt like he was being mocked.

Isak groaned and ran his hands through his hair hard enough to almost pull it out. “And why should I care about how you’re feeling? Why would you ever think I would want to be your friend?” A flash of hurt flickered across Even’s face but disappeared just as quickly as it came.

Even sighed. “I just thought it’d be better for us to be friends. Better for the both of us. Because friends can help friends out, you know?” he said, looking at Isak knowingly before taking another puff of the joint. 

Isak was going to be sick. He pulled his legs closer, folding them against his chest. “What do you want from me?” Isak croaked.

Even laughed, sounding far too innocent for the cruelty that Isak knew laid underneath the surface. “I really like you, Isak. Like, really, really like you,” Even said. “And I know you feel something for me too.”

Isak shook his head. No. Even couldn’t be saying this. Please let him be wrong about this. “Stop beating around the fucking bush!” Isak cursed. “Just say what you mean.”

“I thought we could have some fun together. Discreetly of course,” Even whispered. “Jonas doesn’t have to know.”

Isak laughed hollowly. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t think tears would flow. Even confirmed everything Isak thought he knew about the other boy. Except it was worse than Isak could even imagine. He would rather Even be a homophobe or a moralizing prick. Not this monster who weaponized Isak’s deepest fear to get what he wanted.

“So you want to fuck me in secret? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical of you?”

Even’s face tensed for a moment before he schooled it back to lazy smiles. “Maybe I am. There’s just something about you...”

Isak didn’t want to do this again. He didn’t want to be dragged back into this, to be someone’s secret shame. But he felt the shackles around his feet and the chains that bound him to a life spent in the shadows. Isak had never been good at being sad. So instead, he became angry. He smiled back at Even with pure rage. “Fine,” he spat, before pushing Even down onto the bed and straddling him.

Even’s eyes darkened. “You want to do it here?” he asked, all breathy and barely audible. Isak laughed. It didn’t matter where they did this. Isak would feel hollow all the same. But just for a moment, he wanted to pretend that this was something other than what it really was. He wanted to pretend that this was more than blackmail, that maybe, just maybe the boy beneath him thought he was more than just an easy fuck. He leaned down, lips tentatively brushing against Even’s. He pushed past the other boy’s lips, gently slipping into his mouth until he could taste and feel nothing but the sweet and soft flesh inside. Isak gripped the sides of Even’s face, tracing his thumb along the other’s temples before pushing his fingers through the long, silky strands of his hair.

He hated Even more than he hated anyone in his entire life. He hated that Even could make him feel so worthless. He hated that he wanted things that Even would never give him. Isak had never been good at being sad, but he was nothing but an expert at lying to himself. Just for a moment, he would let himself pretend that this was love. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so if you didn't like Even before, I don't think you would now... Sorry, I just love misunderstandings and trash. Thanks again for reading!


	3. Even, again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just be warned, like the other chapters, Even is pretty manipulative here...

“So you’re a third year,” the brunette asked. She said her name was Anna, or maybe it was Emma. It was probably Emma, he thought, a little embarrassed that he wasn’t paying attention to her. His mind had been elsewhere all day.

The brunette was all smiles, and Even admitted that she was pretty in an elvish way with her pixie cut and wide eyes. But pretty as she was, she wasn’t who Even wanted. Still, he wasn’t rude. “Yep. How about you?”

Even didn’t expect her to giggle, and he especially didn’t expect it to sound so artificial, like she had picked up the habit from watching people flirt in movies. “I’m a first year,” she replied, learning a bit closer to him. “Maybe you can show me around school? I don't know any third years.”

“Uh,” Even stalled. “I’m not sure I’m the best person for that. I just transferred to Nissen,” he replied. “I don’t really know many people.”

“That’s cool,” she said. “Maybe we can just get to know each other then?” she added, clearly flirting with him. Something about her forwardness reminded him of Sonja, and maybe that would have piqued his interest before, but it just made him a bit wary of her now.

Just as Even was about to turn her down, he noticed Isak out of the corner of his eyes. The boy was sitting on a couch and nursing a beer in his hands, surrounded by two of the guys he usually hung out with. Isak didn’t look like he was having fun. In fact, he looked a bit jittery, like he was on-edge. The boy took a sip from his bottle and looked up, eyes scanning the parlour like he was trying to find someone. 

Even turned away from Isak and back to the brunette in front of him. “What do you want to know about me?” he replied, smiling a little wider and brushing his hand through his hair… He really hoped Isak was watching. 

Emma laughed with interest written across her face. “Hmmm,” she said, shifting so that she was almost in the crux of Even’s neck, head turned upwards and looking up at him out from below her lashes. “I want to know what you like to do for fun…” There wasn’t any tinge of red to be found on her cheeks, she was all suave.

He snuck a glance back towards Isak’s direction, but the other boy was gone. Even was a bit disappointed. He knew it was pathetic, but a part of him hoped that he could catch a glimpse of Isak’s face twisting in jealousy at Even flirting with someone else. Of course, that would mean Isak cared about him in the first place.

Even sighed and turned back to Emma’s expectant face. Since the other boy was no longer there, Even didn’t want to lead Emma on anymore. “I’m a pretty boring person,” he said, giving her an apologetic grin. “I’m sure there’s someone else here who could show you some fun,” he added, rejecting her advance as gently as possible.

Disappointment bloomed across her face. “Whatever,” she said while not so subtly rolling her eyes and walking away. So much for not being rude, he thought, but he couldn’t blame her. He shouldn’t have led her on.

Oh well. The only thing he cared about tonight was finding Isak. After the other boy’s little disappearance act at school had sent him into a spiral, Even hadn’t been able to get Isak out of his mind. He just wanted to talk to the other boy and clear the air. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, he admitted. He wanted other things from Isak too, but if he wanted to salvage any chance of something happening between them, he needed to start with an apology.

He hoped that what he’d said wasn’t beyond forgiving. Even’s mind had been clouded over in a haze of ugly emotions after hearing Chris’s words. It wasn’t like he thought Isak was a virgin, but hearing the lurid details of the hookup between the two was a bit too much for Even to handle. The image of the other boy being touched by hands that were not his had caused a flood of jealousy to course through his veins.

When Even had finally snapped out of it, he’d realized that he wasn’t being fair to the other boy. In fact, he’d been a complete hypocrite. He’d been the one to flirt first, and his intentions hadn’t been innocent to say the least. In his head, he’d thought that he would seduce Isak and slowly coax the other boy with his signature charm until he gave into Even. But when Even had found out about Jonas, it was like someone had thrown a wrench into his plans. He’d been so angry at the green-eyed boy for batting his pretty eyelashes at him when he already had a boyfriend. And he’d really hated the idea that Isak only wanted to use him for clandestine pleasures. Even had lashed out at Isak for no reason other than his stupid pride and misplaced sense of ownership over the other boy. Isak wasn’t his to be disappointed in... 

Now that the reality of the situation had sobered him up, Even knew that Isak clearly wasn’t in a happy place if he’d sought out Even. Well, Isak didn’t exactly look unhappy when he was around Jonas, he seemed to be all smiles in fact. But Even knew looks could be deceiving. How could Isak do what he was doing if he was satisfied with his relationship with Jonas? What Isak needed was someone who could give him what he needed…

So Even had come up with a plan. If Isak only wanted his body, then Even would give that to the other boy. But that wasn’t the only thing Even wanted from Isak anymore. He would give Isak the physical pleasure that he craved and make him forget all about Jonas. And when he did, Even would creep into his heart until Isak gave Even that part of him too. He knew what he was doing wasn’t okay, wasn’t fair to Jonas, but to Even, the ends justified the means.

Speaking of the devil, he spotted Jonas sitting next to a curly-haired girl with sun-kissed skin. Jonas took a swig from the bottle of beer in his hand before leaning a bit closer to the girl and whispering something in her ear. She pulled away, a mix of amusement and disbelief flashing across her face. She playfully smacked Jonas on the arm, but before she could retract her hand, Jonas had grabbed onto her wrist. The girl’s mouth dropped open before it morphed into a smile and a fit of giggles. Jonas wiggled his bushy brows and grinned.

Even knew that expression well. He was guilty of using it quite often himself. But seeing it across the brunette boy’s face directed towards someone who was decidedly not Isak made the wheels in Even’s head turn. Why was Jonas flirting with someone out in the open where anyone can see them? Had Isak seen them and left?

Wait, Even paused. If Jonas was flirting with other people, did that mean he and Isak had an open relationship? No, that didn’t make any sense. Isak had begged Even not to tell Jonas. Why was he trying to hide it when Jonas obviously couldn’t care less? Was it because… because the arrangement was one sided?

Even’s mind spun. The loud music and the heat radiating from the other bodies surrounding him started to suffocate him. He needed a little space and pushed past the crowd of people until he made his way outside to a bench. He sat down and sighed, head throbbing. He reached into the pocket of his jacket to pull out one of the joints Elias gave him earlier, lighting it and taking a drag. As he exhaled, he leaned his head back and stared up into the sky. The only person who could make this all make sense was Isak. He needed to find the other boy.

Even took another drag and pocketed the joint before making his way back inside. Even made his way up the stairs, bumping into a group of girls congregating on the steps. He muttered a half-hearted apology as they glared at him. Compared to downstairs, there wasn’t much on the second level, only a couple of rooms and a bathroom as far as he could make out. He tried for the first door only to find it locked. He then peaked into the bathroom only to see two girls making out in the bathtub. That only left one room left.

Even knocked, but there was no response. He slowly pushed the door open and peaked in. Lying on top of a bed was a familiar head of curls. Isak was laying on his side, hugging onto a pillow and his legs tucked into his torso. He was facing the direction opposite the door, and Even was disappointed that he couldn’t see the boy’s sleeping face from where he was standing. He made his way over to the other side, careful to keep his footsteps light.

In sleep, Isak’s face was free and relaxed. He looked every bit like the shy boy that first approached Even. Even wanted to reach out and brush the hair from his forehead, but he refrained. Instead, Even opted to look around the room. It was a nondescript room, neatly arranged. A picture frame sitting on the desk caught his eyes. Even grabbed it and ran his fingers over the glass before sitting at the foot of the bed. Jonas was smiling into the camera, his arm slung over Isak’s naked chest. Isak, however, was smiling at Jonas, bright and easy. He sighed. He wished he could get Isak to smile at him like that. He did once, before Even insulted him and pushed him away.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Isak called out, shaking Even from his thoughts. He turned to see Isak’s face scrunched up in confusion and sleepiness. He couldn’t help but find it cute.

“You two look happy,” he replied, holding up the picture.

Isak glared at him. “I asked you what the fuck are you doing here?”

What was he doing here? He wanted to tell Isak that he came for him. He wanted the other boy to know that he had been all Even could think about. Instead, he just shrugged. “I just needed a break from the party. Same as you, I guess?”

The other boy folded his arms and frowned. “What? That girl turned you down?”

So Isak had seen flirting, then? “If you mean Emma, then no. She’s not really my type.”

“For someone who’s not your type, you were certainly laying it on thick with her.”

Even laughed, giddy at the thought that Isak was bothered by Even’s flirting. “Are you jealous?” Even really hoped Isak was jealous.

“Yeah right,” he said, sneering at Even. Even didn’t expect Isak to be chummy with him, but the quick dismissal stung him a little to be honest. When Isak moved like he was about to get off the bed, Even sprung closer to the other boy without thinking, dropping the picture frame in the process. It was only when Isak’s face was inches away that Even realized he was caging the other boy in. “Get the fuck away from me,” Isak said, face contorting in anger.

Well, shit. This wasn’t how Even wanted to start things off, though he had to admit that being this close to Isak was nice… “Relax,” he whispered, unable to keep a smile off his face. “I’m not going to do anything. I just wanted to talk.”

Isak furrowed his brows in confusion before he glanced down to Even’s lips. “Then move out of my space” he said, lips turned downwards.

Even laughed. Well, Isak had a point. Even moved back just enough to give him some space before he held his hands up in surrender. When the other boy didn’t look like he was about to bolt, Even reached into his pocket to pull out the joint from earlier. He took a drag then held it over to Isak. “Do you want any?” he asked as a peace offering.

Isak, however, seemed to tense up even more, shaking his head and crossing his arms like he was protecting himself. Like he needed to protect himself from Even. The thought that Isak didn’t feel safe around him made Even angry at himself. He sighed. He needed to make the other boy understand that Even didn’t mean him any harm.

“I’m sorry,” Even said. “For how I treated you the other day,” he clarified.

“You’re sorry?” Isak repeated, his brows raised and his voice strained.

“Yeah. I said some stuff that I regret. Some unfair stuff,” Even replied. He hadn’t meant to take out his misplaced jealousy on Isak. “I didn’t mean to be such an asshole. I didn’t even mean what I said. I was just… I just had a lot of feelings and I took it out on you.”

“Why are you telling me this?”, Isak asked, his face still twisted in confusion and anger.

“I just thought,” he shrugged, “that we could start over. Have a re-do. Maybe be friends?”

“Jesus, you’re a piece of work,” Isak responded. Even didn’t know what he was expecting, but he was still caught off guard by the venom in Isak’s voice. “You must think I’m an idiot.”

“No,” he replied a bit hastedly. “Why would I think that?”

“No? You fucking called me a slut,” Isak continued. Even swallowed a lump in his throat. “And then you threatened to tell Jonas about me. Don’t play dumb. I saw you talking with Chris Schistad. What did he say to you, huh?” Isak shook his head. “Did he tell you about what we did? Fucking hell, Even. I don’t believe for a second that you had a change of heart all of a sudden.” Even’s heart sank. He didn’t want to think that he had messed up so badly with Isak that the other boy wouldn’t even give him another chance.

Even had to fix this. “I don’t care what Chris said,” forcing a smile as he locked onto Isak’s gaze. He held his hand to his chest to calm the rapid beating of his heart. “And I really did have a change of heart.”

“And why should I care about how you’re feeling?” the other boy yelled. “Why would you ever think I would want to be your friend?”

Even swallowed. He needed to give Isak a reason to be his friend. “I just thought it’d be better for us to be friends. Better for the both of us. Because friends can help friends out, you know?” he said, staring into the other boy’s eyes and taking another puff from the joint.

The other boy shrank in on himself. “What do you want from me?” he asked, like Even was going to strike him any second.

Even laughed. Wasn’t it clear what he wanted? He wanted what Isak wanted. “I really like you, Isak. Like, really, really like you,” Even said. “And I know you feel something for me too,” he added. The other boy couldn’t deny it. However badly Even had fucked up things between them, he knew that their attraction had been mutual.

Isak shook his head furiously. “Stop beating around the fucking bush!” he yelled. “Just say what you mean.”

“I thought we could have some fun together,” Even replied, trying to be nonchalant. “Discreetly of course…,” he added. He had promised Isak that he wouldn’t say anything. “Jonas doesn’t have to know.” 

Isak laughed, but his voice was joyless. “So you want to fuck me in secret? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical of you?”

Even wanted to protest. If he could, Even would kiss Isak in the open. He would embrace him in plain sight of everyone, would lay claim to Isak so that no one else dared touch him. But none of that was in the cards for the two of them, at least not yet. Not with Jonas still in the picture. “Maybe I am. There’s just something about you...”

Anger flashed across the other boy’s eyes. He grinned, but it was all hard and toothy. “Fine,” Isak cursed before he pushed Even into the bed and straddled him.

Even didn’t expect Isak to act so brazenly. Nor did he anticipate that the feel of the other boy’s hands pressing down into his collarbone would render him so weak. “You want to do it here?” he asked, barely able to control his voice. Isak didn’t respond. He just leaned down and grazed his lips over Even’s, tugging at them with his teeth until Even gave in and opened his mouth. His tongue danced over Even’s, exploring every crevice of his mouth with care, kissing much more softly than Even would have expected from the boy. He grew drunk on the taste of Isak’s mouth, but it was nothing compared to the sensation of Isak’s fingers running along his face and through his hair.

He was incapable of thought, his hands moving on their own accord to find the curve of Isak’s hips. He ran his hand over Isak’s backside, lightly squeezing. The boy moaned and thrusted into Even. Isak found a steady rhythm grinding against Even as he explored Even’s neck with his mouth and grazed the sensitive parts of Even’s chin with his teeth. Slowly, Isak’s hands made their way down from Even’s face to his collar bones, until they dragged on the fabric of Even’s shirt and tugged on the waistband of his jeans.

When he felt Isak’s fingers working on the buttons of his jeans, Even snapped out of the trance and pushed Isak away. The other boy’s hair was disheveled, his lips wet and cheeks flushed. The sight of him looking so ravished made Even hard, made him want to ruin the other boy. But Even didn’t want it to be like this. They were on Jonas’s bed, for goodness’s sakes! He didn’t want their first time together to be so… so cheap.

He needed to ask Isak about his relationship with Jonas, to know if they were in an open relationship. He needed to know why he didn’t want Jonas to know about his hookups, about Even.

Isak creased his brows together for a second before leaning back down to claim Even’s mouth again. Even tried to speak, but Isak was relentlessly sucking the breath out of Even’s lungs and tugging on Even’s lips with his teeth. Just as Even was about to push Isak away again, the door burst open, causing Isak to jerk backwards from Even and fall on the floor.

Standing in the doorway was a dark-haired girl he vaguely remembered. She glanced from Isak on the floor to Even on the bed before she crossed her arms and glared at Even. “Isak, are you okay?”

“Uh,” the other boy spluttered. He pushed himself off the floor and stood up. “I’m okay.”

“Uh huh,” the girl said, sounding unconvinced. “I’m about to head out. Do you want a ride to your place?”

Isak looked at Even and cleared his throat. “Yeah, sure.”

Even wanted to protest. He still needed to talk to Isak. “Wait,” he called out, reaching out to grab Isak’s hand.

Isak pulled his hand away and dropped Even’s gaze. “Later Even,” he said before walking over to the girl in the doorway. “I’m gonna get some water. I’ll meet you out front?”

The girl nodded before Isak left. She returned her gaze to Even and narrowed her eyes. “Tell Sonja I said hi,” she said before closing the door.

Even threw his head back and put his arm over his eyes. Sonja? He had forgotten all about Sonja in the past week. He didn’t even feel guilty about it. Why would he be? They were on a break, he reasoned. It wasn’t like whatever Isak and Jonas were doing to each other. What were they doing to each other? Even had been too engrossed by Isak’s tongue in his mouth to ask any actual questions. Whatever it was, he had to get to the bottom of it.

\---

Even had spent the entire weekend working on a plan. He needed to find out what the deal was with Isak and Jonas, but he couldn’t risk asking Isak directly. He wasn’t sure that Isak knew about Jonas’s indiscretions. So instead, Even needed to piece the truth together himself.

This was how he found himself scouring the school for clues. The first part of the puzzle was standing by the lockers, pushing a book into her backpack. 

“Hey,” he said.

She turned towards Even, her long curls falling down her shoulders. “Hi?” she replied, scrunching her brows. “Do I know you?”

“Not really,” he answered. “I’m a friend of Jonas,” he lied.

She raised an eyebrow. “Okay.”

“The guy you were flirting with at the party?” he added.

“Oh, that guy,” she replied, a smile forming on her face. “Did he ask about me?”

Even leaned on the lockers. “Did you know he’s already with someone?” he whispered.

Her eyes widened. “Seriously? Fuck,” she cursed and rolled her eyes. “Just when I liked a guy.”

“He didn’t tell you?”

She shook her head. “No. But we didn’t really get to talk much,” she responded.

“Really? You too seemed pretty friendly. He didn’t ask for your number or anything?”

“No…” she said, a bit defensively. “And I guess it was for the best considering he’s already with someone.”

“Why was he flirting with you then?” Even asked.

She sighed. “How should I know? Didn’t you say he was your friend? Why don’t you ask him?”

“I can’t…” Even said, trying to figure out what to say. “he’s uh, he’s my boyfriend,” Even lied, only slightly wincing at himself for being so duplicitous.

“Shit,” she spat, before giving Even a sympathetic look. “Look, we didn’t really do anything alright? I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t want to but he pushed me away, alright?”

Even nodded.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized before awkwardly walking away.

That was interesting. So Jonas had flirted with her, but didn’t push further even though she was willing? Did that mean he wasn’t really interested in her, or was Jonas feeling guilty because of Isak?

Even needed to do more digging.

\---

If Even was thinking straight, he would have chastised himself for his newfound habit of stalking people. But he wasn’t thinking straight. He was obsessed with Isak.

Even waited only a few minutes before following Isak into the toilets. The other boy looked up as he flushed the urinal, startling when he saw Even. His expression then shifted into something more closed off as he walked over to the sink to wash his hands. Even leaned against the wall. “Hey,” he said, crossing his arms.

Isak grabbed some paper to dry his hands before balling and tossing them into the trash. He walked towards Even until he was only a foot away. “Hey,” Isak said, raising a brow.

Even grinned. “Are you free?” he asked.

“I have maths, but I can show up a bit late,” the boy responded, before leaning in and catching Even’s lips in his own. Even kissed back for a few seconds before pushing away.

“Wait,” Even pleaded, holding Isak’s shoulders. “I just wanted to talk.”

Isak scoffed. “Sure,” he mocked, before leaning back. This time, though, Even was strong enough to hold him back.

Isak furrowed his brows. “You cornered me in the bathroom to talk?”

“Yeah,” Even mumbled. “I just had a question.”

“Okay.”

“Um, I’m not sure how to ask it,” Even muttered, dawdling.

Isak huffed. “Look, if you’re just gonna stand there, I’m gonna head back to class.”

“Wait,” Even said, holding his hand out to block Isak’s exit.

“I just want to know what your deal with Jonas is. Why don’t you want him to know?”

Isak’s face twisted with anger. “That’s none of your business!” he said, raising his voice. “You’re not going to tell him anything, are you?” he asked more quietly.

Even sighed. “I want us to be friends, Isak. And friends keep each other’s secrets.”

“You can drop the act,” Isak spat, his brow furrowed in a look of disgust. “You don’t have to pretend like you’re interested in anything but this,” he drawled, motioning between them. Isak reached down into Even’s jeans and ran his hand across the other boy’s length.

Even grabbed Isak’s hand and pulled it out. “I do want to be your friend,” Even pleaded. “I just...” Even stalled, unsure how direct he could be with Isak. He had no idea if Isak knew Jonas was flirting with other people. He didn’t want to be the one to break the news, especially because Isak wouldn’t believe him in a thousand years. “I just want to know why you think Jonas would judge you? I mean, are you sure he’s not… guilty too?”

“Guilty? What are you talking about? I’m the one who fucked up, not him.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Fuck you, Even. You can say whatever you want about me, but I’d be damned if you talk about Jonas like that. He’s a good person. A decent person.” Isak sneered. “It’s something you would never understand,” he spat.

Isak’s words cut Even like a sharp blade, but schooled his emotions into a calm façade. Even knew what it was like to be in love with someone, so much so that you wanted to believe they could never hurt you. It was a spell that couldn’t be broken with brute force. If Even wanted any chance of getting Isak to see the truth, he had to tread carefully.

“I’m sorry,” Even said. “I’m being an ass. It’s none of my business.” Even gave Isak an appeasing smile. “I’ll tell you what,” he said, reaching into his pocket and grabbing his phone. “Why don’t you give me your number?”

“Why would I do that?”

“So we don’t have to hide away in the bathroom every time we want to, you know,” he said, wiggling his brows. “Anyone could walk in, Isak, unless you’re turned on by that kind of thing,” he said, winking.

“Fine,” the other boy huffed, before taking his phone and punching in his number. 

Even stepped closer to him, pulling off Isak’s snapback and putting in on his own head. He brushed away a strand of curls that fell loose over Isak’s forehead. “I’ll see you later,” he whispered, before walking out and leaving the boy looking stunned.

\---

The gears in Even’s head clicked into place. If Isak thought that Jonas would never cheat on him, Even would just have to show him that the brunette was not the perfect boyfriend that Isak seemed to think he was. He put the first part of his plan into motion as he walked over to the group of boys.

“Hey,” Even said as he sat down at the table.

“Hey,” a blond boy with a wide face replied. “Who are you?” he asked, sounding more confused than rude.

“Well,” Even said, looking over to Jonas. “Are you going to introduce us?”

Jonas laughed. “Guys, this is Even. Even, this is Magnus,” pointing to the boy who had just spoken, “and this is Mahdi,” pointing to the boy sitting on the other side of him.

Even nodded. “Good to meet you guys. And Jonas, thanks for inviting me to your party last weekend. I’m here to return the favor. I’m having a party at my place this friday. You guys want to come?”

“Fuck yes,” Magnus exclaimed.

“Sure,” Mahdi said. “Do you need any weed?” he asked.

Even laughed. “I’m covered. What about you Jonas?”

“Why not,” the bushy browed boy replied.

“Awesome. What’s your number so I can text you my address?” he asked.

“Just find us on insta, bro,” Magnus interjected. Even nodded.

“I didn’t see you around last year,” Mahdi said. “Did you transfer in or something?”

“Yep. I used to go to Bakka. I’m a third year.”

“You transferred in your third year? What did you do, fuck a teacher or something?” Magnus asked.

Even laughed. He wasn’t going to tell them he transferred because he had a mental breakdown, but he could stretch the truth a bit. “I guess you could say I was kissing someone I wasn’t supposed to,” he said. The group of boys broke into scandalized laughter.

“You’re mad,” Magnus chuckled. Even winked.

“Hey, have you guys seen Isak?” Even asked.

Jonas shook his head. “I think he left school early.”

“Yeah? How come?” Even asked.

Jonas and the other boys shrugged. Even nodded and took his leave.

As he walked away, Even took out his phone and texted Isak. ‘Hey. Party at mine friday night. I’ll see u there?’ he wrote, a smile spreading across his face. 

\---

When Mikael opened the door, Even grabbed him by the shoulders into a hug. “Hi.”

“Hey Even. What are you doing here?”

“I don’t need a reason to visit my best friend, do I?”

Mikael looked at him dubiously before letting Even in. “No, but I know that look. What do you want, dude?”

“You get my text? I’m hosting a party at mine tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, but I think I’m partied out. I have to finish the editing a video for class.”

“Aww,” Even said. “Alright, sure I can’t change your mind?” Even made his way to the couch. “How about Elias? Is he here right now?”

“He might be up for it. Especially if there are Nissen girls there. I think he met someone last weekend.”

“At the party?”

“Yep. At the party you bailed out on.”

“Sorry man. A guy from school invited me to his party,” Even replied, even though he was technically the one to invite himself.

“So you’ve ditched us for new friends?” Mikael laughed. “Did you forget your Bakka mates now?”

“Never,” Even laughed. “I just thought I’d expand my horizons a bit.”

“Expand your horizons? Is that like a euphemism for getting laid now?” Mikael mocked as he walked over with two beers in his hands. He handed one to Even. “Seriously though, are you and Sonja taking a break again?”

Even popped the top of the bottle and took a sip. He nodded.

“Hmmm,” Mikael mumbled.

“What?” Even asked.

“You two do that a lot,” he said before turning to face Even. Mikael pulled his legs up onto the couch and rested his arms around them.

“I just needed some space.”

“Then are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be hooking up with others?”

“Come on,” Even said. “The entire point of taking a break is figuring out what I want, right?”

“And you think you might want someone else?”

Even nodded. “Maybe.”

“Oh,” Mikael muttered. “You’re gonna spill the beans or what?”

“There’s nothing to spill, it’s just a crush,” Even lied, unable to tell Mikael about Isak. At least not yet; he didn’t want Mikael to feel sorry for him for going after someone already taken. And to be honest, he didn’t want Mikael to worry if he was in his right mind. That was a thought he was suppressing himself. “What about you? Anyone catch your eye?”

“Ha,” Mikael scoffed. “Not in the least. Like I told you, I’m through with Bakka guys.”

“Because they only want to hook up?” Even asked.

“Uh,” Mikael mumbled, “it’s not just that. I actually don’t mind hooking up. I just don’t want to do it in secret anymore, you know? It makes me feel dirty.”

Even nodded, understanding more than he could admit “Why do you think they do it? Keep you a secret, I mean?”

Mikael laughed. “I don’t think it’s that deep. They’re just curious. And they’re not willing to throw away their girlfriends for just some experimenting.”

“But are you sure that’s the only reason? I mean, they can’t all be straight or closeted, right? You must have hooked up with some openly bi dudes before.”

Mikael bit his lips. “I don’t know, dude. It’s not like I have conversations with them. I guess some of them just aren’t the monogamous type?”

“Still, if they’re in open relationships, why keep you a secret?”

“Uh, because they’re probably not in open relationships,” Mikael laughed. “And if they can’t be honest with the people they’re with, I don’t expect them to be honest with anyone else either. Me included.”

Even nodded. Maybe that was the case with Jonas and Isak too. Maybe neither of them wanted to admit to themselves or the other what they really wanted, both running around behind the other’s back. Still, the thought made Even sad. He didn’t think he could share Isak with anyone else. But if Isak only wasn’t the monogamous type, Even couldn’t exactly change him, could he?

“But,” Mikael added, “I don’t think stepping out and being non-monogamous are the same thing. People can cheat because they’re not getting what they need from the person they’re with. It doesn’t mean they want to be with more than one person, it just means they’re too scared to lose what is familiar to them. But it sucks for the people involved, obviously.”

“Yeah,” Even agreed. “It’s like you’re good enough to fuck, but not to date.”

Mikael regarded him strangely. “Yeah, that’s exactly how it feels like.”

Even reached out and clapped Mikael on the shoulder. “Why don’t you come to the party this weekend? You might find someone interesting.”

“I doubt that,” Mikael replied.

“I might know a guy,” Even said. “He might not be up for anything serious, but if you want some fun…” Even added.

Mikael raised his brows. “Are you trying to play matchmaker?”

“Just looking out for my bro,” Even replied, before opening Jonas’s insta on his phone and handing it over to Mikael.

Mikael groaned. “Seriously? Those brows are adorable,” he huffed. “But what’s up? Why are you trying to get me to hook up with him?”

Even schooled his face into concern. “Well, he just broke up with someone,” he replied, trying to quell the sour taste in his mouth from lying. “I think he needs the distraction. Plus, it could be fun for you, right?”

“I don’t know, dude. This sounds kind of messy,” Mikael said, turning his head to the side.

“Yeah, but you’re good with messy.”

“Fine,” Mikael snorted. “I’ll come. Only because I can’t say no to cute sad boys. And how about you? What’s going on this  _ crush _ ,” he asked, air quoting ‘crush’.

“It’s really not a big deal,” Even replied. “He has a boyfriend.” Even didn’t clarify that he was trying to set Mikael up with said boyfriend. He knew it was wrong to use his friend like this, especially because Jonas would treat Mikael like the secret he hated being. But he reasoned that it was for the best. Mikael would get over it, and Even would have Isak. 

“Oh,” Mikael mouthed. “That sucks,” he added, furrowing his brows in concern. Even suppressed the guilt that threatened to choke out of him. 

“It’s cool,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s just as well. I already got a lot on my mind with the new school and al. You know how it can be.”

Mikael hummed in agreement. “So how are you settling in?”

Even smiled. “I’m doing just great.”

\---

Even checked the text he sent Isak earlier. Isak still hadn’t replied, and Even was growing a bit antsy. He was shaken out of his thoughts when Elias threw an arm around his shoulder. “Hey dude, I hope you don’t mind that I invited some people over.”

“People?” Even laughed. “It looks like you’ve only invited girls,” Even replied, glancing at the group of girls standing around the drinks.

“Hell yeah, why would I invite other guys? That would just be like more competition for me, man.”

“Who did you invite?” He recognized only one of them, the girl that left with Isak last time. He’d seen the others around school, though. “Don’t they go to Nissen? How did you even meet them?”

“They’re friends with my sister. They came to the party last weekend.”

“Uh huh.”

“You want to meet them? I got dibs on the red-head though.”

“No thanks,” Even replied. “I’m waiting for someone.”

Elias raised his brows. “It’s not Sonja, is it?”

Even shook his head.

“Good for you, bro,” Elias replied, clapping Even on the shoulder before walking towards the group of girls.

Even went over to Mikael, who was sitting on the couch and looking bored. As Even sat down, Mikael rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

“What? No guy caught your eyes?”

Mikael groaned. “Maybe a few. But it’s no use. They’re either with someone or not interested. Do you think I’ve lost my charm? Have I been hanging out with you too long?”

Even huffed. “Excuse you, I’m plenty charming.” Even scanned the room. “What about the guy I showed you?”

Mikael shook his head. “I haven’t seen him around yet.”

“Well, find him,” Even said, wiggling his brows. “I’ll be right back, just need to use the loo.”

When Even made his way back, Mikael wasn’t alone. Jonas was sitting on the seat Even had just vacated. The boy looked up.

“Hey,” Jonas said. “Did I take your seat? I just needed a place to sit.” the boy asked, his face flushed like he’d been drinking too much.

“No, it’s chill,” Even replied, deciding to sit on the coffee table in front of them. “You okay man? You don’t look too hot.” Even followed Jonas’s gaze to where Elias was currently chatting up a red-headed girl.

“I’m doing just peachy,” Jonas replied, sounding anything but great. He grabbed the beer from Even’s hand and downed half the bottle in one swallow.

Mikael cleared his throat. “So how do you two know each other?”

“From school, I guess,” Even replied.

“He gave me free sandwiches once,” Jonas added.

Mikael laughed. “You gave him free food? Are you like, trying to get in his pants or something?”

Jonas chuckled. “Well if that was his plan, he did not succeed.”

“Mikael,” Even groaned. “You’re such a dick.”

“What?” Mikael replied. “I’m just checking,” he said, smirking.

Jonas turned towards Mikael. “Checking what?”

“That you’re available,” Mikael answered, slinging an arm over Jonas’s shoulders. Jonas raised his eyebrows, but he didn’t shake Mikael’s arm off.

“Well, you two look like you’re all set here, so I’m gonna go get myself another drink,” Even said, before walking to the kitchen.

Even reached into the fridge and pulled out a fresh bottle, popping off the cap and taking a swig. He checked his phone. There was still no message from Isak. He sighed and left the kitchen.

Even was starting to think that this evening was a waste when he looked up and saw Mikael pressing up close to Jonas. The bushy-browed boy leaned in to close the distance between them and kissed Mikael. Jonas fell for the bait. Even snapped a picture of the two of them kissing. This was the proof he needed to convince Isak that Jonas wasn’t the perfect boyfriend he thought he was.

Even spot Mahdi and Magnus on the balcony. They were passing a joint between them when Even walked up to them. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Mahdi replied while Magnus took a puff and nodded.

“You’ve seen Isak around?” he asked.

The two looked at each other. “No. Were you expecting him?” Mahdi asked.

“Yeah. I borrowed his hat. I just needed to give it back to him.” he replied. “Do you know where he lives?”

“Can’t it wait until school?”

“Uh,” Even mumbled, before Magnus jumped in. “It’s chill, Mahdi. It’s just Even. I know where he lives. Here, give me your phone.”

Even handed it over. “Thanks,” he said before walking away. Even felt a wave of satisfaction flood over him at the pieces falling into place.

\---

Even rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a brown-haired girl answered. She looked bored.

“Uh, hi. I’m Even. I’m a friend of Isak’s, from school.”

“So?” she replied.

“I’m here to return Isak’s hat.”

She stepped away from the door and let him into the flat. “He’s been in his room all day. Good luck,” she said and pointed to a door down the hall.

He knocked on the door, but there was no response. He decided to risk it and go inside. It was dark, but he could make out a lump hidden underneath a pile of blankets. Isak is facing the other direction. Even reached down and touched his shoulders, causing the other boy to spin around. “I told you I’m fine Eski… Even?

The other boy’s eyes are red and puffy like he’d been crying. The sight of him like that made Even want to hug him. Isak rubbed at his eyes like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Why are you here? How did you even get in?”

“Your roommate let me in. And you never came to the party. Or replied to my texts.”

Isak scoffed. “Well, I had other things to do.”

Even rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, are you okay?”

“I’m doing just great,” Isak responded mockingly.

“Isak, you don’t have to be sarcastic. I just want to know how you’re doing.”

Isak huffed. “Oh, excuse me. I didn’t know you gave a shit about me.”

“Of course I do.”

“Sure, whatever,” Isak said, before turning away. “Look, I’m tired. If you’re here for sex, you’re shit out of luck.”

“That’s not why I’m here. I just… I really wanted to see you tonight.”

Isak groaned. “Are you really that horny,” he spat, turning around just to glare at Even.

“I’m not here for sex, Isak,” Even replied with exasperation. 

“Then why are you here?”

“I have your hat?” Even said meakishly. Isak just stared at him like he was out of his mind. Even coughed. “Look, I missed you at the party, alright?”

Isak scoffed. “Shut up. Just shut up and stop saying things like that. Like you miss me, or you want to be my friend. Or that you care.”

“I mean all of it.”

“Give me a break, Even. I thought we were both clear that this wasn’t anything but sex. You and I are nothing to each other but a warm body,” Isak said, each word viciously spat. 

“That’s not true,” Even protested. “At least it’s not true for me,” he admitted. “Like I said, I like you.”

Isak shook his head. “Are you fucking kidding me? We made out twice. We haven’t even fucked yet. How can you say you like me? You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough,” Even countered.

“Yeah, like what?” Isak mocked.

“I know that when you’re nervous, you chew your lips. And that when you think no one’s looking at you, you nod along to music. I know that when you’re really, truly happy, your face lights up like the sky on a particular starry night,” Even whispered. “And I know that you’re not happy keeping secrets from Jonas. Isak, it’s better to be honest with him...”

“Be honest with him? Are you insane?” Isak spat. “You have to be insane. You think you know me because you what, watch me like some freaking stalker?” He rubbed the corners of his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Even! Of course I’m not happy keeping secrets from Jonas. But that’s my life and my business!” Isak yelled. “Why can’t you just leave it and me the fuck alone?” 

Even was gutted by the other boy’s words. Yes, he was insane. He was insane to think Isak wanted anything to do with him. “Alright,” he conceded, “I’ll leave you alone.”

Even steadied his legs to get up, but before he could, however, Isak pulled him back down and claimed his lips. There was nothing gentle about the other boy’s touch. His movement was frenzied, his skin hot to the touch. Even returned the kisses frantically, intoxicated by everything that was Isak. But he couldn’t do this. This was nothing to the other boy, but Even knew he had fallen far too deep for Isak. The beautiful, green-eyed boy in front of him would never return his feelings. “We can’t do this,” exhaling deeply, “you don’t want this,” he said as he pushed Isak away.

Isak snorted. “Why do you care about what I want all of a sudden? Where was this side of you when you blackmailed me into this?”

Blackmail? Even’s head spun. “Isak, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Isak shook his head. “Are you gonna lie straight to my face?” he asked, voice seething with anger.

“I have no clue what you are on about!” Even exclaimed.

“So we’re going to pretend like you didn’t proposition me by threatening to tell Jonas about what I did?”

“Isak,” Even pleaded. “I was never going to tell Jonas about you. I just thought that you wanted this.”

Isak laughed harshly. “You thought I wanted to hook up with you in secret?”

“Yes!” Even said, voice strained. “You approached me, remember? You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you.”

Isak groaned. “I asked you out, Even, I never asked to be your dirty little secret.”

“What? You’re not,” Even swore. “And I thought that you didn’t want anyone to know about us.”

“That’s convenient for you, isn’t it?” Isak mocked. “Does ‘no one’ include your girlfriend?”

Even furled his lips. “Isak, me and Sonja are on a break. I would never cheat with you.”

Isak laughed. “You’re on a break? Is that what you tell yourself to feel better? Damn it, Even. I’m not some experiment for you just because you’re tired of fucking your girlfriend.”

Even shook his head, sadness replaced by anger. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

“What?”

“Look. I’m not trying to judge you, Isak, I’m really not. But how can you get so sanctimonious when you’ve betrayed Jonas?”

The color drained from Isak’s face. “I know what I’ve done. But you, you’re a special kind of monster. You’re using my guilt to coerce me into sex.”

“Coerce you? If I recall correctly, you’re the one throwing yourself at me.”

Isak bristled at his words. “Maybe that’s because I’m responding to you. I see it in your eyes, Even. There’s a darkness inside of you. It’s like you want to consume me whole… what the fuck do you even want from me?”

“I want you. I want you to want me.” Even swallowed, pain squeezing his chest. “I want you to love me.”

Isak’s face twisted into confusion, his eyes flashing in uncertainty. The moment, however, doesn’t last long before his expression morphed into unadulterated rage. Isak laughed, his voice harsh. “You can have my body. But that’s all you’ll get.” Isak responded before pushing Even down into the bed and tugging off his t-shirt. The boy was already bare except for a pair of boxers, and he didn’t waste a moment before unzipping Even’s jeans and tugging them down his legs. Even grabbed Isak’s hand to stop him. “So you’ll never love me?” he asked, voice raw, eyes searching Isak’s.

Isak bared his teeth. “Never.” Even hadn’t known just how much hope he’d been hanging onto until it was torn away from him so cruelly. “Right. Of course you wouldn’t want me…” Even whispered before he pushed Isak away. “I can’t do this, Isak. This isn’t what I want.” 

This time, Isak didn’t pull him back down. Even put his shirt back on and fixed his jeans, not bothering to spare Isak another look as pushed through the doors of the boy’s room and out of his apartment. When the cold air of the night hit his skin, Even’s breaths escaped his lungs. He should have seen it coming. He should have paid attention to the signs. This obsession with Isak, it was all in Even’s head again, nothing but his delusions. Isak didn’t and would never want him.

And in his quest to possess the other boy, Even had compromised his morals. Even took out his phone. He deleted the photo of Jonas and Mikael kissing. He scrolled through his contacts, hesitating only just a second before blocking Isak’s number.

As Even walked through the streets, he let the darkness take over him, feeling lonelier than he had ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a lot longer to write than the first two. I think I was struggling to capture Even's development and his rationalization of his own behaviours. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm endorsing the not so rosy aspects of them, however.
> 
> I'm gonna end this work in the next chapter, and some of you might question how I'm going to resolve the conflict between Even and Isak. I promised a happy ending for the two and I'm going to stick to that. But it will obviously require both Even and Isak to come to terms with themselves and the other person. I can't say more without giving away the ending, but rest assured, the two will end up together.


End file.
